Week 3

Today is Monday September 14th. 2 weeks till I get to go back home. And 3 weeks since Jordyn started her insane, hair pulling, eye jabbing, horrible behavior. It's taking a sever toll on me and my current state of sanity. I have so much stress over trying not to snap that it boils over and I end up being a bitch the whole day. I feel like the incredible hulk. Thankfully I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday and hopefully she will be able to prescribe me something so I can be calm because my stressed behavior causes Jordyn to also be stressed and mean and it's a viscous cycle. Friday was bad. She was just so mean all day. Everything I tried to do with her or give her was "NO" and every time I tried to play with her or sing or dance she would yell "STOP" at me. It was very trying. And after hours of mean behavior and tantrums I tried to put her down for a nap. I have to lay on her floor till she falls asleep or she will just get out of her toddler bed and run a muck. Friday I laid her down and she flipped out, kicking, screaming, punching the wall. The whole shebang. Then she went on to scream like someone was killing her for 10 minutes. I have neighbors who probably hate my guts and think I abuse the crap out of her. Our walls are paper thin. I'm trying to get her to calm down by just continuing to lay her down and not talk to her or yell. After about 20 tries I snapped mentally. I think my brain froze for a good 10 minutes. I was producing tears but I felt no emotion. I was staring blankly out the window for 10-15 minutes while I uttered "You ruined my life" (yeah this is real sorry to the moms out there that have perfect lives) I didn't even look in her direction. I heard her say "Don't cry mama" but it didn't really matter. I was froze in my brain. She slowly laid down and fell asleep while I sat looking out the window for another 10 minutes trying to get my brain to click back on.

Eventually it did as you can tell. Now I don't for one minute really think my daughter ruined my life. Quite the opposite to be exact. But when there are weeks of behavior like this it's hard not to think where you went wrong. What did I do in the 2 years she has been alive that sparked such evil and horrible behavior towards everything, not just me or her daddy but everything. She knows not to hit other people but now she just hits herself. Any tiny little thing can set her off. And the screaming can last for a long time. If you try to please her with toys or distractions, she will throw them right back at you. Nothing works. Time outs don't work, makes it worse actually. I don't think I can handle another week of this. I keep telling myself... only three more days till my appointment. I've never been more happy to see a doctor in my life.

Happy Labor Day!

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Mine has been OK. Nothing special at all! We are broke so we can't do much till our overdue check comes. Jordyn has also gone back to being a complete nightmare in public and behind the scenes. She is pushing every button I have to the point of meltdown. We haven't reached critical mass yet but it's coming.... I feel it.
Yesterday was a reminder that we are missing so many fun things back home. Usually Labor Day weekend is when Paul's family has a big fish fry. It's a lot of fun and I totally forgot it was even happening, maybe I should have continued to forget. Well I'm off to do nothing on day 4 of this weekend. Have a great day!

What I Like

Today is a better day even though Jordyn is driving me insane and being very mean to me. Oh well I guess I should ignore her evil, almost 2 year old behavior. I'm sure people would say she isn't trying to be mean to you, she's just a kid. Ummm I beg to differ. She knows the difference between being nice and being mean. She knows what hurts her mama's feelings and she is trying to push my buttons and push them she will. It's almost 5:30pm isn't it? The weekend starts in 4 hours. Not that I have anything at all to look forward to except Paul having Monday off thus making the week go by faster in general.
I've been productive this week. Paid bills, cleaned about 5 million times, scheduled a doctor's appointment for myself and made homemade dinners all week. I don't think I've stopped cleaning since Jordyn was born. I remember the days when I didn't have a child and would clean/organize for hours. When I was done I would sit down and relax and know that it would stay this way for days maybe even a full week! Now after cleaning so much harder then I used to and having 4x as much stuff to pick up, I sit down and realize I could blink and it will look exactly the same as when I started. The work of a mother (stay at home or working) never ends. EVER! I don't think I ever realized that until Jordyn was a little older. People always give you the standard advice when you are pregnant:

Get a lot of sleep now because you won't ever again
Enjoy your alone time & freedom
Relax as much as possible
Know that nothing will be the same from then on

I took it all to heart but I never could grasp the concept that your work is never done once you have children. I kept thinking "Yeah she's a kid. Whoppity doo. I've been around lots of kids. I'll sleep, I'll relax & I'll still be able to do what I want to a certain degree" HA! Silly me. Don't get me wrong I love my life now and I can't wait for another, it's just a hard concept to understand. Anyway on to the original reason for this post. Things I like!

I have lots of likes and even more dislikes. I picked four of my likes that first came to mind besides Jordyn & Paul. They might seem weird but that's me in a nutshell. What are some of your likes? Anything will do!


1. Shopping. Who doesn't like shopping really? Being a mother I sometimes loathe shopping. Having a 2 year old screaming in the cart for you to open a jar of pickles is not my idea of a good time and yes that has happened to me lots of times (stay away from the pickle isle). But I like shopping in general. I mostly like buying presents and things for Jordyn (clothes mostly).

2. The Amish. Yes I am obsessed with the Amish. Weird? Perhaps. I love their sense of community, support and hard work. If only I was born Amish, all would be right in the world.

3. The Little Mermaid. My favorite cartoon movie of my childhood. I love to watch it. In college whenever I was sad or *cough* hungover *cough* I would watch it. Brings back a flood of happy childhood emotions that only few things can, another being anything Jim Henson.

4. Art. All kinds! I love photography, paintings, collages and anything else artsy. I love weird and different art. Sculptures make of soup cans, paintings of nothing or so it seems. I really think when I go back to school it will be for something art related but something that could still get me a job.

So what do you like?

Emotional Post

Sorry if this is annoying to read but I need some kind of release from all these feelings I hold inside. So here it goes, either enjoy (more like sympathize) the ride or get off. I am very unhappy. I don't think I've felt this bad since we first moved here and I felt all alone. I can get over feeling alone because, in all honesty, I am alone and I have to face it. I don't have friends here and as of recently I don't have a husband either. That might sound weird since he hasn't gone anywhere physically but emotionally he is gone. My days repeat over and over with not much change.

Wake up
Fed & dress Jordyn
Watch her shows
Play outside/Run errands
Naptime
Clean & Cook my ass off
Paul comes home
Eat dinner together in silence
Each of us go our separate ways (usually one to the computer & one to the tv)
I go to workout
Give Jordyn a bath and ready for bed
Have alone time in silence
Go to bed myself in silence

Wash, rinse repeat and repeat and repeat. In between all my regular activities of the day are silence besides the conservations I have with an almost two year old. Most of the time she doesn't want anything to do with me either. She is very independent which I am happy about but the lack of human contact in this house is enough to make me shrivel up in the corner. I have no idea how to fix this. Paul and I had a conversation last night about it. He said "Kara this is what married couples do. Do you expect us to be like how we were 5 years ago?" Ummm NO that's not how married couples are. Married couples still talk and love each other and show it! If they don't then I don't want to be married. This isn't the 1950's. I guess we should just throw out our bed and buy two twin beds. I can't live in a relationship where there is no physical contact and I'm not just talking sex. I need physically affection or you can throw sex out the window. Why would I want to touch someone sexually if they don't even want to hug me once a week? I feel like I'm repeating my childhood with a different man. None of us (my 2 sisters & I) were hugged as children by our father. He never made an effort to care about us physically or emotionally. When you are emotionally scarred as a child to not know the affection of the opposite sex you seem to crave it as an adult or be completely cold to it. I'm happy that I crave it because I would never want to treat my children that way. I would never want Jordyn or my future children to think they aren't good enough to even be hugged, that there is something so wrong with them that their own mother or father can't show love for them. It really stings that Paul is showing the same characteristics but not towards Jordyn, just me. I don't know what happened cause this isn't the man I've been with for 5 years and counting. What did I do so wrong to not deserve love and affection from the opposite sex my whole entire life. I can't live feeling the same way I did as a child. And I won't let my child grow up in a household where her two main role models are cold and bitter towards each other. As of right now there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Ugh... Ouch... Crap.

This sums up the beginning of September for me. I know it's only been one day but seriously it's already off to a horrible start. I had to cancel my mom's only trip to Las Vegas in October. It sucks, but definitely after doing our bills today I really needed to do it. Paul's stupid company is supposed to pay for a portion of our bills and housing. It's the only way we could afford a nicer apartment and all our bills on his income. It's supposed to come at the end of the month and it's supposed to be direct deposited. Well it has never once been direct deposited and it's ALWAYS late. Right now if all of the first half of the month bills went through we would overdraw our account. Hello people we need that money! His company is pissing me off left and right lately. The program he is in has us moving at least two more times. The next stop is Texas. We're ready to move BUT.... the move itself is going to cost around $2000. The company will pay for our plane tickets (minus Jordyn), to ship one car (we're selling the other) and give us $500.... $500!! WTF is that? So we have to come up with $1500 out of pocket? Come on! You're asking us to move across the country and you will give us $500. That's such bullshit. Paul was given a document for regular employees and how much is covered when they move. It states that an employee asked to move has everything paid for in full and if you have to sell your house the company will buy it and sell it for you and give you a 5% cut! WTF! Why can't some of that money go to the poor, straight out of college employees? We aren't rolling in dough people! He is talking with the head of HR about the whole thing. I'm hoping they will change their mind and give us more to move with otherwise we are kinda screwed. There goes all the credit we have paid off. UGH!

On a better note. My beauty is turning two is a little over a month. She is talking non-stop. She repeats everything, knows A-Z and 1-10. I'm so proud and shocked cause it came out of nowhere. She is getting so good at communicating which is making her act out less and less. We are going back to Michigan for her birthday party! I'm so excited! 26 more days! Here are some recent pictures of her!

She got her first real haircut! She did really well and I did better then I thought I would. For some reason I came into the experience thinking it was going to go badly and I was going to yell at a poor, underpaid child hairdresser but that didn't happen. I can't believe how big she is getting. Time really does fly!

Guilt & Inadequacy

One thing most books and magazines don't tell you about being a mother is the overwhelming feeling of guilt and inadequacy that comes quite often, stalking you when you think you have everything under control. The time these feelings hit me the hardest is bed time. Bed time sucks, well at least lately. When I lay down at night I think of all the things I did wrong. Did I feed her enough variety today? I shouldn't have let myself get so annoyed! I should have turned the t.v. off for once! I'm a horrible mom.

Ok before you say to yourself, "She's a whiny baby. Suck it up" I know this might sound like a pity party but it's not meant to be. I think moms put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect that it can eat away at you before you even realize it. "Mom perfect" is a lot different then making sure you hair is perfect, getting a perfect grade or thinking you are perfect. "Mom perfect" is being responsibly tied to another human being. It's knowing that every action can affect a little tiny you. Being a parent bares a lot of responsibility that you never even thought of before you squeezed out or got cut open for that tiny being.

I'm not going to list all the things I feel guilty for. Let's just say the list is probably miles long on paper. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but I can hope for a better future and make changes in my life. I know I'm never going to be perfect, whether it's "mom perfect" or any other kind of perfect. I'd just like to lay my head on the pillow at night and not having this heavy burden of guilt weighing me down. So far down I feel like I can never get up.

Wake up Fatty

Yep I'm fat. And no not the "I'm soooo fat I'm 5lbs overweight, pushing me to an obese 140lbs" Fuck you. I'm the "I have lost 5lbs of baby weight in almost two years & originally gained close to 50lbs." FUCK! Come on. I don't know what is wrong with me. I mean I'm lazy but I never thought I could be this lazy. Not care about myself or how I look. Not care that I had to buy all new jeans because my tank ass couldn't fit in a 9 anymore. Not care that people are looking at me like I'm young mom who really let herself go by age 23. I can't stand it anymore. I can't. It's not just me saying it here or in my head it's DOING IT. I am signing up at Snap Fitness Tuesday ( I would tomorrow but I will be in Iowa all day), I'm keeping a journal of my food and calories and staying under 1500 and I'm drinking water only (besides a sugar free red bull here & there). Looking in the mirror plays tricks on you. You think I look fine, not great but fine. NO you don't. Then you see pictures of yourself and realize I look horrible. Or you're like me and get a letter in the mail saying you are denied life insurance through my husband's company. The only two reasons I can think of are 1. Your are fat or 2. You admitted to being depressed once in your life. They can't be that strict so my guess is the weight issue. Slap in the face. But I thank you life insurance cause now you've lit a bigger fire under my ginormous ass. Thank you!