Week 3

Today is Monday September 14th. 2 weeks till I get to go back home. And 3 weeks since Jordyn started her insane, hair pulling, eye jabbing, horrible behavior. It's taking a sever toll on me and my current state of sanity. I have so much stress over trying not to snap that it boils over and I end up being a bitch the whole day. I feel like the incredible hulk. Thankfully I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday and hopefully she will be able to prescribe me something so I can be calm because my stressed behavior causes Jordyn to also be stressed and mean and it's a viscous cycle. Friday was bad. She was just so mean all day. Everything I tried to do with her or give her was "NO" and every time I tried to play with her or sing or dance she would yell "STOP" at me. It was very trying. And after hours of mean behavior and tantrums I tried to put her down for a nap. I have to lay on her floor till she falls asleep or she will just get out of her toddler bed and run a muck. Friday I laid her down and she flipped out, kicking, screaming, punching the wall. The whole shebang. Then she went on to scream like someone was killing her for 10 minutes. I have neighbors who probably hate my guts and think I abuse the crap out of her. Our walls are paper thin. I'm trying to get her to calm down by just continuing to lay her down and not talk to her or yell. After about 20 tries I snapped mentally. I think my brain froze for a good 10 minutes. I was producing tears but I felt no emotion. I was staring blankly out the window for 10-15 minutes while I uttered "You ruined my life" (yeah this is real sorry to the moms out there that have perfect lives) I didn't even look in her direction. I heard her say "Don't cry mama" but it didn't really matter. I was froze in my brain. She slowly laid down and fell asleep while I sat looking out the window for another 10 minutes trying to get my brain to click back on.

Eventually it did as you can tell. Now I don't for one minute really think my daughter ruined my life. Quite the opposite to be exact. But when there are weeks of behavior like this it's hard not to think where you went wrong. What did I do in the 2 years she has been alive that sparked such evil and horrible behavior towards everything, not just me or her daddy but everything. She knows not to hit other people but now she just hits herself. Any tiny little thing can set her off. And the screaming can last for a long time. If you try to please her with toys or distractions, she will throw them right back at you. Nothing works. Time outs don't work, makes it worse actually. I don't think I can handle another week of this. I keep telling myself... only three more days till my appointment. I've never been more happy to see a doctor in my life.

Nervous Breakdown #4 million

Yesterday was hell on Earth for me. The morning went smoothly. We were supposed to go to the Mall of America with a friend but she couldn't make it. Instead of sitting inside and sulking I decided to take Jordyn over to the regular mall in the area. She did well. I was disappointed with everything they had but I did find a cute spring jacket for $12. We had lunch and then left with no major meltdowns. Jordyn of course fell asleep in the car on the way home, which is about a 15 minute car drive. When we got back she refused to nap. I tried multiple times but to no avail. I decided we could go on a walk instead but when I went inside to get the sunscreen she flipped out on the front porch causing a huge scene. Ok I'm gonna crawl back into my house now and not be seen for months thank you. We then laid down on my bed and fell asleep for about an hour and a half. When we woke up I decided we would go to dinner. We always go out on Friday nights and I was excited to get out and do something. STUPID STUPID STUPID. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and as soon as we sat down and I almost burst into tears knowing this was a huge mistake. My anxiety was through the roof. Jordyn was HORRIBLE. Beyond horrible. Everything we gave her to entertain herself ended up being launched across the restaurant. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Not only did she throw things but she screamed "No NO NO" over and over again. I just sat in my seat and stared at my plate. I held back tears the entire dinner. It's bad enough that I look young, have visible tattoos and a young kid cause I get enough dirty looks for that alone but to have her behave so badly was so awful. I looked and felt like the worst mother on the planet. Once the food came I shoveled mine down as fast as possible (which caused problems later) and took her out to car. I buckled her in and cried my eyes out. I don't know how I am supposed to handle a year of this bullshit but apparently I have to. I love my kid to death but this behavior makes my stomach turn. I see spankings in her near future. It's the only thing I know how to do to handle it and I'm not ashamed. If I ignored it and let her be "herself" I could see her turning out to be one major brat and I think we have enough of those in this world. Later that night I drank a bottle of wine and felt a lot better. Maybe I should start stock piling wine for the days, weeks and months to come.