Thursday, September 3, 2009

Emotional Post

Sorry if this is annoying to read but I need some kind of release from all these feelings I hold inside. So here it goes, either enjoy (more like sympathize) the ride or get off. I am very unhappy. I don't think I've felt this bad since we first moved here and I felt all alone. I can get over feeling alone because, in all honesty, I am alone and I have to face it. I don't have friends here and as of recently I don't have a husband either. That might sound weird since he hasn't gone anywhere physically but emotionally he is gone. My days repeat over and over with not much change.

Wake up
Fed & dress Jordyn
Watch her shows
Play outside/Run errands
Naptime
Clean & Cook my ass off
Paul comes home
Eat dinner together in silence
Each of us go our separate ways (usually one to the computer & one to the tv)
I go to workout
Give Jordyn a bath and ready for bed
Have alone time in silence
Go to bed myself in silence

Wash, rinse repeat and repeat and repeat. In between all my regular activities of the day are silence besides the conservations I have with an almost two year old. Most of the time she doesn't want anything to do with me either. She is very independent which I am happy about but the lack of human contact in this house is enough to make me shrivel up in the corner. I have no idea how to fix this. Paul and I had a conversation last night about it. He said "Kara this is what married couples do. Do you expect us to be like how we were 5 years ago?" Ummm NO that's not how married couples are. Married couples still talk and love each other and show it! If they don't then I don't want to be married. This isn't the 1950's. I guess we should just throw out our bed and buy two twin beds. I can't live in a relationship where there is no physical contact and I'm not just talking sex. I need physically affection or you can throw sex out the window. Why would I want to touch someone sexually if they don't even want to hug me once a week? I feel like I'm repeating my childhood with a different man. None of us (my 2 sisters & I) were hugged as children by our father. He never made an effort to care about us physically or emotionally. When you are emotionally scarred as a child to not know the affection of the opposite sex you seem to crave it as an adult or be completely cold to it. I'm happy that I crave it because I would never want to treat my children that way. I would never want Jordyn or my future children to think they aren't good enough to even be hugged, that there is something so wrong with them that their own mother or father can't show love for them. It really stings that Paul is showing the same characteristics but not towards Jordyn, just me. I don't know what happened cause this isn't the man I've been with for 5 years and counting. What did I do so wrong to not deserve love and affection from the opposite sex my whole entire life. I can't live feeling the same way I did as a child. And I won't let my child grow up in a household where her two main role models are cold and bitter towards each other. As of right now there is nothing I can do to fix it.

2 comments:

Adi said...

:( I've been through this a couple time with sabe. The thing that really works with us [which might work for you.. you can try it] is that when I notice him not being physical with me [and i'm not talking sex here] I go out of my way to be physical with him. Men don't feel things the same way as we do. But I know for a fact that you can't expect something when you're not giving it. If he's still acting this way after you've been giving a bunch for like a week or so, then there's def a problem. I hope you figure things out sweetie :( Wish you and the J could come visit us! or vice versa. That would be fun.

Chelsea said...

go hug paul now. just go. i know you're probably thinking all sorts of things, but just do it. just go touch him. and don't come back til you are done. :) i used to complain all the time about my ex not paying attention to me - we had our separate corners, etc. then one day, he pointed out that i didnt make any effort to touch HIM...and its hard because as women, we want to be pursued. he's a man. with a fragile ego. you're in his house, but he probably feels like he can't touch you. so, go touch him. do it. he's not your dad, this isn't like your dad, just DO IT. unwrap him.