Saturday, August 15, 2009

Guilt & Inadequacy

One thing most books and magazines don't tell you about being a mother is the overwhelming feeling of guilt and inadequacy that comes quite often, stalking you when you think you have everything under control. The time these feelings hit me the hardest is bed time. Bed time sucks, well at least lately. When I lay down at night I think of all the things I did wrong. Did I feed her enough variety today? I shouldn't have let myself get so annoyed! I should have turned the t.v. off for once! I'm a horrible mom.

Ok before you say to yourself, "She's a whiny baby. Suck it up" I know this might sound like a pity party but it's not meant to be. I think moms put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect that it can eat away at you before you even realize it. "Mom perfect" is a lot different then making sure you hair is perfect, getting a perfect grade or thinking you are perfect. "Mom perfect" is being responsibly tied to another human being. It's knowing that every action can affect a little tiny you. Being a parent bares a lot of responsibility that you never even thought of before you squeezed out or got cut open for that tiny being.

I'm not going to list all the things I feel guilty for. Let's just say the list is probably miles long on paper. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but I can hope for a better future and make changes in my life. I know I'm never going to be perfect, whether it's "mom perfect" or any other kind of perfect. I'd just like to lay my head on the pillow at night and not having this heavy burden of guilt weighing me down. So far down I feel like I can never get up.

1 comment:

Adi said...

i always feel guilty about not taking marcus outside more, not talking more, not turning the tv off more, not paying more attention to him since Jamesen came home, etc etc etc. I totally agree that mom perfect is impossible to reach and I feel guilty all the time about it too