Wednesday, March 4, 2009

PTSD

PTSD stands for post traumatic stress disorder and I'm pretty sure I have some form of it. I haven't reflected on the birth of Jordyn as much as I should. I think I need to get through all these bad feelings I have towards the situation so I don't feel this way anymore. She's almost 18 months old and I still have problems understanding how she got here. I mean obviously I know the logistics of how she is here, lady + man = baby, but the whole experience was ridiculous. Now that I think back no wonder everyone was so nice to me and checking on me constantly cause they probably thought they might get sued.

I think I'm one of the very few women on this planet that is not worried about my second child and the bond we will share. I know (this is sad) that our bond will most likely be stronger. I failed at two of the most important tasks you face as a mother, birth & nourishment. Most people would say neither of those are your fault. The failure of the birthing process led to the failure of breastfeeding. It really eats me up inside when I think the first moments I shared with my first born were completely unconscious. I shouldn't have to feel this way at all.

It's odd for me to even share feelings like this even if no one reads it. I'm the type of person to completely hide any and all feelings I have for fear of looking weak. I just have to get something out somewhere or I might explode. I really wish I could talk to someone about everything that happened to get their take on it but I have no health insurance till May so taking to a Dr. is out of the question for a little while. I have so much more to write but I can't cause I'm starting to feel sick from it. Thanks for reading.

4 comments:

Carrie said...

Oh my gosh Kara! I don't know your birthy story, but it sounds like you didn't have any control over how it went! I'm sorry things weren't how you wanted them to be, but that does not make you ANY less of a Mommy! As for breastfeeding, I understand how guilt issues could be buried deep inside, but really....as long as your baby is fed, loved, and nurtured, thats what really matters! These are not things she is going to remember, so try not to let it eat you up inside! You are a great Mommy, and I know you only want what's best for her. Give yourself some credit for the great things you have taught her so far!

Carrie said...

PS, meant to say birth story, not birthy. lol

Kara said...

Thanks Carrie. I think my birth story is posted on JM but I'm not sure. I know everything that happened with Jordyn was out of my control it's just an inner struggle I find myself having. I look at her and know everything I do now is the most important but when I'm alone with my thoughts it's hard not to think about the past. Thanks for the support though :)

And LOL to the birthy!

mrs_pbow said...

ya know, I think everyone regrets or wishes things were different. I know your circumstances were different though...I know there are things I regret or wish I could change...its hard not to think of "wow, I should have done this" or I WISH I could have at least. Shoulda coulda wouldas are hard though. I think you are a great mom for what it is worth. You feed her, you love her, you play with her...thats more than a lot of kids even dream about. Most of the time, the things we feel bad about are just that, things WE feel bad about, our kids love us despite it :) and usually don't know the difference. Thankfully, until about 10-12, we are still the best and coolest things around :)a