The Barren Womb

I am running on low. Emotional, annoying & moody, three words that best describe me lately. I am on the edge of knowing whether or not I could possibly be pregnant this month. Tomorrow will tell unless miscarriage is in my future. This month is my last ditch effort to try anything and everything I can find. I didn't temp. but I never do it right anyway. I feel like if it doesn't work out this month then what's going on? This is bullshit. I know people go through this a lot longer but I don't care if it's 2 months of 20 months, this blows! What's my concoction for this month, that had my hopes so high but now I can't help but think it won't work. We started Femara this cycle. I was scared shit less to try it since on the label it reads "For women recovering from breast cancer." Ssssaaaay WHAT? But after doing a lot of research and having a scientist for a husband we figured out it's safe to use for cycle days 3-7 and it doesn't do me any harm unless I was pregnant while taking it, which would be stupid of me! So along with my Femara I've been taking B6, Fish Oil, Prenatal vitamins, Baby aspirin & rubbing myself with Progesterone cream. I'm just glad I don't smell like an old woman. Along with all that shit I've been avoiding sexual activity that would end with me being happy.... yay. Paul isn't too pleased either but I'll take every precaution I need to I guess. I've been drinking water like I live in it. There isn't much else I can do besides hope for the best and maybe wish away 20-30lbs of fat overnight. And since that is not gonna happen here goes my last shot at a good month. If we aren't pregnant this cycle we have to take a break because of moving issues next Fall. So I'll be taking a 3 month hiatus from baby making and focusing on losing that 20-30lbs since that might be holding me back from creating life. Where do I go after all that? I have no idea but here's to staying positive. I'll be forced to be positive this weekend even if the result is bad since my in laws will be here visiting. Joy of joys! At least I can look forward to wine if that all goes down. But I'd trade a million gallons of wine for a baby right now.

Sleep Progression

Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I started thinking about sleep. Paul actually fell asleep holding me which is very rare even though I wish it wasn't. He's a selfish sleeper which I can be at times too. I was thinking of how we got here. Not necessarily our relationship but how over time our sleep patterns have changed along with location. I think the first time we shared a bed was at my mom's house and it was my tiny twin. Not too comfortable. Then came the dorm beds. Two people should never sleep that high off the ground. This proved true when my roommate's boyfriend fell from her loft and landed on our t.v. smashing it. From then on we slept on the futon which was so beautifully nicknamed the "flip & fuck" by every person at State. Ask anyone to this day and I bet it's called the same thing and forever will be. Then came the king size bed we own now. When I was pregnant I hogged it and we went to bed at 9pm most nights. Nerds. Now our sides have indents and the middle has a hump because no one sleeps there. So this is what I thought of till I finally fell asleep. The spooning didn't last. It never does. Sometimes I miss the old tiny beds because we were forced to spoon or fall off.


This picture gives me the baby fever like whoa. Oh the tiny-ness! I am so excited for next week. Our tax return should be here on the 17th. I can then book a consultation for my sleeve and get an idea of what I want. So excited!