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I miss that "love"

Married women (or women who have been with someone for a long time) do you ever look at your life from an outside perspective and wonder what happened? I'm not saying my life sucks, not in the least, but sometimes I think about the love that used to be. The love that is still deep down in there but never shows. That young, fresh love that you shared way back when. You don't need to be young to feel it but it seems like such a struggle to find it.

This might sound stupid but you see this kind of "love" in movies like The Notebook or lately I've been seeing commercials for Dear John. I remember this kind of love. It's really hard to forget that feeling. You feel like you might die if you aren't together 24 hours a day. You have stupid fights which led to tons of makeup sex and fun. You kiss in public without it looking weird because you don't have little kids standing next to you while you do it. You act like a moron because you are so blissful with butterflies and punch drunk love.

Now fast forward to marriage. I've only been married a year and half, legally. I consider the beginning of the end of this love phase to have happened much earlier then that. Add living together, stress, kids & bills to the mix and you have marriage "love". I love my husband and some days I feel a twinkle of that young love but most days its marriage love. You need space from each other or you might rip your significant other's face off. You have stupid fights and one of you sleeps on the couch (preferably the male). You definitely don't kiss in public because you are too concerned with what the hell your kids are doing to stop and actually think about coming close to each other. Forget hand holding cause that's for little kids and teeny boppers. You act pissy towards each other most days because someone didn't take the trash out and the overwhelming smell of diapers & old food is killing you slowly. And your most intimate, adult conversations are about bills and your budget for the month.

I'd like to say I'm going to try my best to get back to a simpler love. Not a young love, not a marriage love but somewhere in between. But it's hard and so is life. I want that feeling even if it's once a month and I'm willing to work for it as long as life doesn't throw a curve ball my way. Maybe we just need to slow down and enjoy each other again for the people we truly are and who we fell in love with in the first place. Maybe we need to look at that person for who they are now in the present as well and admire their 40+ hour work schedule, playful fathering skills, girly whineyness & hairy back. And hopefully they can admire their wife's 24 hour a day schedule, maid & cook services, child bearing & child raising skills and the beauty of a mother, wife, woman inside and out. That's all I ask for.

Escape

Good news, future news. We will most likely be moving to Delaware in November for Paul's last rotation. It's not set in stone just yet but Human Resources doesn't see a problem with it. And even BIGGER news.... our permanent address might be in Albany, New York in 2011! They are building a new electronics plant in the area and it will be employing a lot of people and a lot of engineers. We are crossing our fingers it works out cause I would love to live there and Paul would love his job since it would be more industrial! It's very exciting but I can't get my hopes up in case something changes. All I care about anyway is getting out of this hell hole. Speaking of hell it's 90 degrees outside. Some of you might be jealous.... don't be. It's MAY! When I talk to my family in Michigan they just talk about how it's warming up past 50 degrees. I'm jealous! I keep thinking it's June or July but nope it's going to get hotter! Someone help me!

My mom comes to visit this Thursday through Tuesday! I'm very excited to have someone to hang out with and break up the monotonous hours that pass me daily. I am taking her to a 3-D ultrasound place so she can see the baby, that is if my doctor doesn't do an ultrasound at my appointment that same day. I can't wait to find out what I am having. I am still thinking it is a boy but I would be happy with another girl as well. I just wish it would go by a little faster. It's not that I'm not enjoying my pregnancy because I am, but the faster the time goes the sooner I can get out of here. I want to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible because it might be my last, who knows, but I'm always worried about my health and if I'm doing too much, too little, am I stressing out the baby, etc. I guess I just have to hope for the best!

How's it Hanging?

I've been missing in action once again. I'm sorry (I'll apologize to my 5 or so readers) I'm boring lately and have nothing that new to write. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. I'm doing the best I can do. I'm stressed, my 2.5 year old is driving me insane, I have high blood pressure & I seem to be tittering on the high risk balance beam. Blah! I'm really sick of living SOOOO far away from family and friends. It never affected me like this in Minnesota, probably because the option of driving 12 hours to get back to Michigan was always an option. Now I am over a thousand miles away from anyone I can call on to help me or to hang out with. I feel really helpless a lot of the time. What if something went wrong? What am I supposed to do? I already have to throw out my dream of a VBAC because I can't wait to go into labor cause I have no one here to watch my daughter. I have to plan another c-section and have someone fly out for a week or so to help me. I guess I'm OK with it now but it really sucks that I can't even try to have a normal labor. God forbid anything bad happen like I need to be hospitalized because I guess I'll be taking care of my daughter in the hospital then. I never realized how hard this would be.

I don't even feel pregnant. It really hasn't even hit me yet although I've been to the doctor 4 times and have had 3 ultrasounds. I haven't gained weight (which is awesome), I don't have much of a bump (just fat) & all my symptoms have faded since stopping progesterone. I'm tired a lot, cranky & hormonal but that's it. I better not waking up puking tomorrow! I really hope the rest of this pregnancy goes smoothly and nothing happens with my blood pressure. Pre-eclampsia is not fun and I never want to go there again. Here's a new picture of the little one & one of Jordyn!

Surprise Surprise

I guess I should apologize for lying in my last post. Turns out I am pregnant! During the month we didn't try, during the month I got a new tattoo, during the month I drank on numerous occasions we conceived a child. I never wanted to be one of those assholes that says "Just relax and stop trying so hard and it will happen." Well in my case I guess it was true. I've been charting, temping, prenatal drug popping & having sex like a teenager for over 6 months and the month we say "Nope we're done trying for awhile" it happens. I'm not complaining at all! I've worked my ass off for this baby! Now if I could just keep my emotions under control I'd be all set. I was never this emotional with Jordyn, I was happy as a clam from the moment I finally accepted that I was really pregnant and no my period wasn't just months late. This baby is so different already. I'm over emotional, in a foul mood majority of the day and just hoping I can hold it together for 9 months. I'm also so nervous. I'm constantly feeling like something bad is going to happen. I had my first OB appointment last Friday and we got to see the tiny nugget of a baby with it's tiny beating heart. I think I almost puked on the ride there and not from morning sickness. If I could calm my nerves I would probably be a happier person. It's a lot harder to be pregnant with a 2 year old tugging at your leg. I'm tired. And whiney. Don't mind me!

Real Quick Recap

I'll try to actually blog here while I have a minute or two to compose my thoughts. Life has been busy... overly busy the past 3 weeks. My sister & niece came for a visit on February 15th and left February 28th. In that time my mom also came for 5 days towards the end. It was great having family around and someone to talk to during the day besides a sassy 2 year old that repeats herself 7 million times. We went a lot of places, saw some things and spent some moola. We went to our local outlet mall and it was great! Awesome deals, all outdoors like a little village. I was only disappointed in one thing... the price of Le Creuset bake ware is RIDICULOUS even at outlets. Booo to that! We went to the Houston Zoo (our 3rd time) which I love to bits! No one was there on a sunny Thursday afternoon which rocked! Jordyn saw an elephant pee and quickly announced "That elephant needs a diaper change!" Oh the things 2 year olds say! We went to the NASA Space Center. Don't laugh but I never knew when they said "Houston we have a problem" that they meant Houston, Texas. Am I stupid? I thought it was a person's name. The space center is cool. They try to draw kids in too. We went to the Kema boardwalk which is right on the bay/gulf. And last but certainly not least my sister and I went to get new tattoos. She's only had one other which is tiny so I was pretty proud that she went with a large script design of Kennedy's first and middle name. And she got it down her side starting at her ribs! Brave sista! I got a sugar skull gypsy that I've wanted for awhile now. I'm used to the pain, it's kind of like meditating for me. Weird I know but I just focus of other things and it really doesn't bother me. Sitting for hours sucks though. So now we are getting back to routine, just in time for Paul's best friend to come visit.... I'm not thrilled. I love the guy but I have to watch them both carefully together because they have a tendency to drink WAY too much which makes me uncomfortable.

I've been home cooking like a crazy woman lately. While we had guests I made my awesome Chicken Pot Pie (easiest, cheapest & tons of leftovers), I tried my hand at Pastitio which to my surprise turned out very good, Chicken Gyros with homemade cucumber sauce, Roast Beef, my mom's Sauce & Meatballs & Pesto Pizza. This week I've made Italian Beef which is amazing (even more amazing in Chicago with my bestest friend Emily) and Chicken Stir Fry. I've got a couple more recipes up my sleeve in the following weeks including Corn beef & Cabbage for St. Patty's day! I feel like I'm teasing you with all this food so I'll post a couple recipes and a picture set of my stir fry process. Enjoy!

Minced Garlic, Minced Ginger, Onion, Green Onion

Chicken Breasts (3-4)

Sauce Ingredients. 1 tb Brown Sugar, 1 tsp Corn Starch, 1 tsp Chili Garlic Sauce,

1 tb Hoisin Sauce, 2 tb Soy Sauce & 1 tsp Rice Vinegar.

Whisk Together!

Cook garlic, onion and ginger in a tb of canola oil. Cook chicken slices through. Clean snow peas and add those to the mix. Soak large rice noodles 30 minutes prior to cooking in warm water. Add to the mix and then cover and coat with the sauce. You sometimes need to batches of sauce to cover it all! Top with green onions.

Chicken Pot Pie recipe

1 cup potato diced

1 cup carrots diced

1 cup celery diced

1 cup onion diced

4 cups cooked chicken breast

2 cups chicken broth

1 cup half & half

1/2 cup flour

Salt & Pepper

1/3 cup melted margarine

2 packages of rolled premade pie

crusts (2 come in each package)

Set oven to 400 degrees

Cook all your veggies in the margarine over medium heat for 10-15 minutes. Add flour to the mix and coat the veggies. Cook one minute stirring well. Combine broth and half and half in a bowl. Slowly add to the veggies. Cook until thick and bubbly stirring constantly. Add salt and pepper to your liking. Add the chicken and stir well. Take your premade crusts and line of the bottom or two pie pans. Add mixture to each dish. Cover with the other two crusts. Cut slits on the top to let steam escape. I suggest putting them on sheet pans cause they can overflow a little. Cook for 45-50 minutes or until golden brown! SOOO good reheated the next day. Mmmm! You'll have leftovers for days!

P.S. Oh and no I'm no pregnant for anyone who is wondering since reading my last post. Another bust month. Now I've been eating well & working out and have lost around 6lbs. 2-3 more months to go until we try again with the Femara. We are not preventing as of now which I'm sure will produce a baby at the most awkward timing but I wouldn't complain.

The Barren Womb

I am running on low. Emotional, annoying & moody, three words that best describe me lately. I am on the edge of knowing whether or not I could possibly be pregnant this month. Tomorrow will tell unless miscarriage is in my future. This month is my last ditch effort to try anything and everything I can find. I didn't temp. but I never do it right anyway. I feel like if it doesn't work out this month then what's going on? This is bullshit. I know people go through this a lot longer but I don't care if it's 2 months of 20 months, this blows! What's my concoction for this month, that had my hopes so high but now I can't help but think it won't work. We started Femara this cycle. I was scared shit less to try it since on the label it reads "For women recovering from breast cancer." Ssssaaaay WHAT? But after doing a lot of research and having a scientist for a husband we figured out it's safe to use for cycle days 3-7 and it doesn't do me any harm unless I was pregnant while taking it, which would be stupid of me! So along with my Femara I've been taking B6, Fish Oil, Prenatal vitamins, Baby aspirin & rubbing myself with Progesterone cream. I'm just glad I don't smell like an old woman. Along with all that shit I've been avoiding sexual activity that would end with me being happy.... yay. Paul isn't too pleased either but I'll take every precaution I need to I guess. I've been drinking water like I live in it. There isn't much else I can do besides hope for the best and maybe wish away 20-30lbs of fat overnight. And since that is not gonna happen here goes my last shot at a good month. If we aren't pregnant this cycle we have to take a break because of moving issues next Fall. So I'll be taking a 3 month hiatus from baby making and focusing on losing that 20-30lbs since that might be holding me back from creating life. Where do I go after all that? I have no idea but here's to staying positive. I'll be forced to be positive this weekend even if the result is bad since my in laws will be here visiting. Joy of joys! At least I can look forward to wine if that all goes down. But I'd trade a million gallons of wine for a baby right now.