The Three Bears

New Blog!

2011-01-10T12:41:00.001-05:00

Come check out my new blog HERE It's loads of fun I swear!

I miss that "love"

2010-05-29T20:55:00.003-04:00

Married women (or women who have been with someone for a long time) do you ever look at your life from an outside perspective and wonder what happened? I'm not saying my life sucks, not in the least, but sometimes I think about the love that used to be. The love that is still deep down in there but never shows. That young, fresh love that you shared way back when. You don't need to be young to feel it but it seems like such a struggle to find it.

This might sound stupid but you see this kind of "love" in movies like The Notebook or lately I've been seeing commercials for Dear John. I remember this kind of love. It's really hard to forget that feeling. You feel like you might die if you aren't together 24 hours a day. You have stupid fights which led to tons of makeup sex and fun. You kiss in public without it looking weird because you don't have little kids standing next to you while you do it. You act like a moron because you are so blissful with butterflies and punch drunk love.

Now fast forward to marriage. I've only been married a year and half, legally. I consider the beginning of the end of this love phase to have happened much earlier then that. Add living together, stress, kids & bills to the mix and you have marriage "love". I love my husband and some days I feel a twinkle of that young love but most days its marriage love. You need space from each other or you might rip your significant other's face off. You have stupid fights and one of you sleeps on the couch (preferably the male). You definitely don't kiss in public because you are too concerned with what the hell your kids are doing to stop and actually think about coming close to each other. Forget hand holding cause that's for little kids and teeny boppers. You act pissy towards each other most days because someone didn't take the trash out and the overwhelming smell of diapers & old food is killing you slowly. And your most intimate, adult conversations are about bills and your budget for the month.

I'd like to say I'm going to try my best to get back to a simpler love. Not a young love, not a marriage love but somewhere in between. But it's hard and so is life. I want that feeling even if it's once a month and I'm willing to work for it as long as life doesn't throw a curve ball my way. Maybe we just need to slow down and enjoy each other again for the people we truly are and who we fell in love with in the first place. Maybe we need to look at that person for who they are now in the present as well and admire their 40+ hour work schedule, playful fathering skills, girly whineyness & hairy back. And hopefully they can admire their wife's 24 hour a day schedule, maid & cook services, child bearing & child raising skills and the beauty of a mother, wife, woman inside and out. That's all I ask for.

Escape

2010-05-17T20:52:00.002-04:00

Good news, future news. We will most likely be moving to Delaware in November for Paul's last rotation. It's not set in stone just yet but Human Resources doesn't see a problem with it. And even BIGGER news.... our permanent address might be in Albany, New York in 2011! They are building a new electronics plant in the area and it will be employing a lot of people and a lot of engineers. We are crossing our fingers it works out cause I would love to live there and Paul would love his job since it would be more industrial! It's very exciting but I can't get my hopes up in case something changes. All I care about anyway is getting out of this hell hole. Speaking of hell it's 90 degrees outside. Some of you might be jealous.... don't be. It's MAY! When I talk to my family in Michigan they just talk about how it's warming up past 50 degrees. I'm jealous! I keep thinking it's June or July but nope it's going to get hotter! Someone help me!

My mom comes to visit this Thursday through Tuesday! I'm very excited to have someone to hang out with and break up the monotonous hours that pass me daily. I am taking her to a 3-D ultrasound place so she can see the baby, that is if my doctor doesn't do an ultrasound at my appointment that same day. I can't wait to find out what I am having. I am still thinking it is a boy but I would be happy with another girl as well. I just wish it would go by a little faster. It's not that I'm not enjoying my pregnancy because I am, but the faster the time goes the sooner I can get out of here. I want to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible because it might be my last, who knows, but I'm always worried about my health and if I'm doing too much, too little, am I stressing out the baby, etc. I guess I just have to hope for the best!

How's it Hanging?

2010-04-22T22:27:00.004-04:00

I've been missing in action once again. I'm sorry (I'll apologize to my 5 or so readers) I'm boring lately and have nothing that new to write. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. I'm doing the best I can do. I'm stressed, my 2.5 year old is driving me insane, I have high blood pressure & I seem to be tittering on the high risk balance beam. Blah! I'm really sick of living SOOOO far away from family and friends. It never affected me like this in Minnesota, probably because the option of driving 12 hours to get back to Michigan was always an option. Now I am over a thousand miles away from anyone I can call on to help me or to hang out with. I feel really helpless a lot of the time. What if something went wrong? What am I supposed to do? I already have to throw out my dream of a VBAC because I can't wait to go into labor cause I have no one here to watch my daughter. I have to plan another c-section and have someone fly out for a week or so to help me. I guess I'm OK with it now but it really sucks that I can't even try to have a normal labor. God forbid anything bad happen like I need to be hospitalized because I guess I'll be taking care of my daughter in the hospital then. I never realized how hard this would be.

I don't even feel pregnant. It really hasn't even hit me yet although I've been to the doctor 4 times and have had 3 ultrasounds. I haven't gained weight (which is awesome), I don't have much of a bump (just fat) & all my symptoms have faded since stopping progesterone. I'm tired a lot, cranky & hormonal but that's it. I better not waking up puking tomorrow! I really hope the rest of this pregnancy goes smoothly and nothing happens with my blood pressure. Pre-eclampsia is not fun and I never want to go there again. Here's a new picture of the little one & one of Jordyn!

Surprise Surprise

2010-03-24T15:51:00.003-04:00

I guess I should apologize for lying in my last post. Turns out I am pregnant! During the month we didn't try, during the month I got a new tattoo, during the month I drank on numerous occasions we conceived a child. I never wanted to be one of those assholes that says "Just relax and stop trying so hard and it will happen." Well in my case I guess it was true. I've been charting, temping, prenatal drug popping & having sex like a teenager for over 6 months and the month we say "Nope we're done trying for awhile" it happens. I'm not complaining at all! I've worked my ass off for this baby! Now if I could just keep my emotions under control I'd be all set. I was never this emotional with Jordyn, I was happy as a clam from the moment I finally accepted that I was really pregnant and no my period wasn't just months late. This baby is so different already. I'm over emotional, in a foul mood majority of the day and just hoping I can hold it together for 9 months. I'm also so nervous. I'm constantly feeling like something bad is going to happen. I had my first OB appointment last Friday and we got to see the tiny nugget of a baby with it's tiny beating heart. I think I almost puked on the ride there and not from morning sickness. If I could calm my nerves I would probably be a happier person. It's a lot harder to be pregnant with a 2 year old tugging at your leg. I'm tired. And whiney. Don't mind me!

Real Quick Recap

2010-03-04T10:49:00.005-05:00

I'll try to actually blog here while I have a minute or two to compose my thoughts. Life has been busy... overly busy the past 3 weeks. My sister & niece came for a visit on February 15th and left February 28th. In that time my mom also came for 5 days towards the end. It was great having family around and someone to talk to during the day besides a sassy 2 year old that repeats herself 7 million times. We went a lot of places, saw some things and spent some moola. We went to our local outlet mall and it was great! Awesome deals, all outdoors like a little village. I was only disappointed in one thing... the price of Le Creuset bake ware is RIDICULOUS even at outlets. Booo to that! We went to the Houston Zoo (our 3rd time) which I love to bits! No one was there on a sunny Thursday afternoon which rocked! Jordyn saw an elephant pee and quickly announced "That elephant needs a diaper change!" Oh the things 2 year olds say! We went to the NASA Space Center. Don't laugh but I never knew when they said "Houston we have a problem" that they meant Houston, Texas. Am I stupid? I thought it was a person's name. The space center is cool. They try to draw kids in too. We went to the Kema boardwalk which is right on the bay/gulf. And last but certainly not least my sister and I went to get new tattoos. She's only had one other which is tiny so I was pretty proud that she went with a large script design of Kennedy's first and middle name. And she got it down her side starting at her ribs! Brave sista! I got a sugar skull gypsy that I've wanted for awhile now. I'm used to the pain, it's kind of like meditating for me. Weird I know but I just focus of other things and it really doesn't bother me. Sitting for hours sucks though. So now we are getting back to routine, just in time for Paul's best friend to come visit.... I'm not thrilled. I love the guy but I have to watch them both carefully together because they have a tendency to drink WAY too much which makes me uncomfortable.

I've been home cooking like a crazy woman lately. While we had guests I made my awesome Chicken Pot Pie (easiest, cheapest & tons of leftovers), I tried my hand at Pastitio which to my surprise turned out very good, Chicken Gyros with homemade cucumber sauce, Roast Beef, my mom's Sauce & Meatballs & Pesto Pizza. This week I've made Italian Beef which is amazing (even more amazing in Chicago with my bestest friend Emily) and Chicken Stir Fry. I've got a couple more recipes up my sleeve in the following weeks including Corn beef & Cabbage for St. Patty's day! I feel like I'm teasing you with all this food so I'll post a couple recipes and a picture set of my stir fry process. Enjoy!

Minced Garlic, Minced Ginger, Onion, Green Onion

Chicken Breasts (3-4)

Sauce Ingredients. 1 tb Brown Sugar, 1 tsp Corn Starch, 1 tsp Chili Garlic Sauce,

1 tb Hoisin Sauce, 2 tb Soy Sauce & 1 tsp Rice Vinegar.

Whisk Together!

Cook garlic, onion and ginger in a tb of canola oil. Cook chicken slices through. Clean snow peas and add those to the mix. Soak large rice noodles 30 minutes prior to cooking in warm water. Add to the mix and then cover and coat with the sauce. You sometimes need to batches of sauce to cover it all! Top with green onions.

Chicken Pot Pie recipe

1 cup potato diced

1 cup carrots diced

1 cup celery diced

1 cup onion diced

4 cups cooked chicken breast

2 cups chicken broth

1 cup half & half

1/2 cup flour

Salt & Pepper

1/3 cup melted margarine

2 packages of rolled premade pie

crusts (2 come in each package)

Set oven to 400 degrees

Cook all your veggies in the margarine over medium heat for 10-15 minutes. Add flour to the mix and coat the veggies. Cook one minute stirring well. Combine broth and half and half in a bowl. Slowly add to the veggies. Cook until thick and bubbly stirring constantly. Add salt and pepper to your liking. Add the chicken and stir well. Take your premade crusts and line of the bottom or two pie pans. Add mixture to each dish. Cover with the other two crusts. Cut slits on the top to let steam escape. I suggest putting them on sheet pans cause they can overflow a little. Cook for 45-50 minutes or until golden brown! SOOO good reheated the next day. Mmmm! You'll have leftovers for days!

P.S. Oh and no I'm no pregnant for anyone who is wondering since reading my last post. Another bust month. Now I've been eating well & working out and have lost around 6lbs. 2-3 more months to go until we try again with the Femara. We are not preventing as of now which I'm sure will produce a baby at the most awkward timing but I wouldn't complain.

The Barren Womb

2010-02-03T16:58:00.004-05:00

I am running on low. Emotional, annoying & moody, three words that best describe me lately. I am on the edge of knowing whether or not I could possibly be pregnant this month. Tomorrow will tell unless miscarriage is in my future. This month is my last ditch effort to try anything and everything I can find. I didn't temp. but I never do it right anyway. I feel like if it doesn't work out this month then what's going on? This is bullshit. I know people go through this a lot longer but I don't care if it's 2 months of 20 months, this blows! What's my concoction for this month, that had my hopes so high but now I can't help but think it won't work. We started Femara this cycle. I was scared shit less to try it since on the label it reads "For women recovering from breast cancer." Ssssaaaay WHAT? But after doing a lot of research and having a scientist for a husband we figured out it's safe to use for cycle days 3-7 and it doesn't do me any harm unless I was pregnant while taking it, which would be stupid of me! So along with my Femara I've been taking B6, Fish Oil, Prenatal vitamins, Baby aspirin & rubbing myself with Progesterone cream. I'm just glad I don't smell like an old woman. Along with all that shit I've been avoiding sexual activity that would end with me being happy.... yay. Paul isn't too pleased either but I'll take every precaution I need to I guess. I've been drinking water like I live in it. There isn't much else I can do besides hope for the best and maybe wish away 20-30lbs of fat overnight. And since that is not gonna happen here goes my last shot at a good month. If we aren't pregnant this cycle we have to take a break because of moving issues next Fall. So I'll be taking a 3 month hiatus from baby making and focusing on losing that 20-30lbs since that might be holding me back from creating life. Where do I go after all that? I have no idea but here's to staying positive. I'll be forced to be positive this weekend even if the result is bad since my in laws will be here visiting. Joy of joys! At least I can look forward to wine if that all goes down. But I'd trade a million gallons of wine for a baby right now.

4 Months Later

2010-01-28T17:18:00.005-05:00

Wow it's been 4 months since my last entry. I've neglected the hell out of you, dear blog friend. I'm sorry I'll try hard not to do that again. A lot has happened since September, 14th. Nothing that spectacular, but so is life, at least my life. We now live in.... Pearland, TEXAS.... YEEE HAW! It's a nice neighborhood. The apartment is nice and has a much better flow then the last. Flow is very important to me. Now come along as I take you on verbal journey of our moving experience. Buckle up!

We headed out at the end of October. Picked up our U-Haul on Sunday the 25th because I refused to cut it any closer to Halloween. I refuse to miss out on Halloween even if it means dressing my poor 2 year old up in her costume and parading her around Walmart as I desperately search for a pumpkin, but that's a different story. We packed our U-Haul (very badly) and scrambled to find room for the other shit laying around the apartment. 75% of the shit got thrown down the garbage shoot, including a nice Pyrex dish that still had food it in but I had nothing to clean it out with, so down it went. So we're ready to head out. Did I mention we are also towing our CAR? Yeah... we are. So not only are we (in we I mean Paul) driving a huge U-Haul across the country but we are pulling a car behind it. Wanna know the best part of all? We all got to ride in the cab!!! Never, EVER again will I do that. So we climbed in, Paul driving, me in the bitch seat, and Jordyn in her kick ass car seat facing backwards with her little legs propped up. She was definitely the most comfortable on this 3 day venture. I wish I had a sweet lazy boy type car seat to ride around in. Oh what a life!

So upon driving this monster vehicle I realize it is actually terrifying to be driving something so long and heavy. It can't pick up fast so when you get on the freeway you are going 40mph while people are going hmmm 80mph? Thank goodness for anti-anxiety meds. The first day went by quickly. Drove through Minnesota & Iowa (BORING) and stopped in Missouri. Next morning headed out through Kansas (shanty town USA) and Oklahoma. Kansas is a scary state to drive through. There aren't gas stations for MILES and it's a mix between "children of corn" & "Texas chainsaw massacre". Let's just say they wouldn't find you if your car broke down out there and if they did, it would only be pieces of you, in jars full of yellow liquid, in a shanty somewhere. Oklahoma is not too shabby. It's funny whenever we stopped and went in to eat somewhere, people gave us the weirdest looks. How do they know we are different from them, besides the obvious full mouth of teeth we have. I guess I'll never know. Stopped for the night in Texoma (get it? Texas & Oklahoma) Next day woke up to severe thunderstorm warnings, fabulous. We had 6 hours to go and 4 of those were through heavy down pour. But we finally made it and got to stay the night at a nice hotel right across the street from our apartment because there was no way we could move in that day.

All in all it could have been worse but NEVER, EVER will I do that again. And we will be moving at least 2 more times so I know what to avoid. And from now on I will always hire movers. $150-200 is a small price to pay for your sanity and your back. We have now been adjusting to this Southern lifestyle for almost 3 months, seems like so much longer. We have 10 months to go before we move again. To where?? I really don't know yet. We're vagabonds.

Week 3

2009-09-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

Today is Monday September 14th. 2 weeks till I get to go back home. And 3 weeks since Jordyn started her insane, hair pulling, eye jabbing, horrible behavior. It's taking a sever toll on me and my current state of sanity. I have so much stress over trying not to snap that it boils over and I end up being a bitch the whole day. I feel like the incredible hulk. Thankfully I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday and hopefully she will be able to prescribe me something so I can be calm because my stressed behavior causes Jordyn to also be stressed and mean and it's a viscous cycle. Friday was bad. She was just so mean all day. Everything I tried to do with her or give her was "NO" and every time I tried to play with her or sing or dance she would yell "STOP" at me. It was very trying. And after hours of mean behavior and tantrums I tried to put her down for a nap. I have to lay on her floor till she falls asleep or she will just get out of her toddler bed and run a muck. Friday I laid her down and she flipped out, kicking, screaming, punching the wall. The whole shebang. Then she went on to scream like someone was killing her for 10 minutes. I have neighbors who probably hate my guts and think I abuse the crap out of her. Our walls are paper thin. I'm trying to get her to calm down by just continuing to lay her down and not talk to her or yell. After about 20 tries I snapped mentally. I think my brain froze for a good 10 minutes. I was producing tears but I felt no emotion. I was staring blankly out the window for 10-15 minutes while I uttered "You ruined my life" (yeah this is real sorry to the moms out there that have perfect lives) I didn't even look in her direction. I heard her say "Don't cry mama" but it didn't really matter. I was froze in my brain. She slowly laid down and fell asleep while I sat looking out the window for another 10 minutes trying to get my brain to click back on.

Eventually it did as you can tell. Now I don't for one minute really think my daughter ruined my life. Quite the opposite to be exact. But when there are weeks of behavior like this it's hard not to think where you went wrong. What did I do in the 2 years she has been alive that sparked such evil and horrible behavior towards everything, not just me or her daddy but everything. She knows not to hit other people but now she just hits herself. Any tiny little thing can set her off. And the screaming can last for a long time. If you try to please her with toys or distractions, she will throw them right back at you. Nothing works. Time outs don't work, makes it worse actually. I don't think I can handle another week of this. I keep telling myself... only three more days till my appointment. I've never been more happy to see a doctor in my life.

Happy Labor Day!

2009-09-07T12:30:00.002-04:00

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Mine has been OK. Nothing special at all! We are broke so we can't do much till our overdue check comes. Jordyn has also gone back to being a complete nightmare in public and behind the scenes. She is pushing every button I have to the point of meltdown. We haven't reached critical mass yet but it's coming.... I feel it.
Yesterday was a reminder that we are missing so many fun things back home. Usually Labor Day weekend is when Paul's family has a big fish fry. It's a lot of fun and I totally forgot it was even happening, maybe I should have continued to forget. Well I'm off to do nothing on day 4 of this weekend. Have a great day!

What I Like

2009-09-04T14:33:00.003-04:00

Today is a better day even though Jordyn is driving me insane and being very mean to me. Oh well I guess I should ignore her evil, almost 2 year old behavior. I'm sure people would say she isn't trying to be mean to you, she's just a kid. Ummm I beg to differ. She knows the difference between being nice and being mean. She knows what hurts her mama's feelings and she is trying to push my buttons and push them she will. It's almost 5:30pm isn't it? The weekend starts in 4 hours. Not that I have anything at all to look forward to except Paul having Monday off thus making the week go by faster in general.
I've been productive this week. Paid bills, cleaned about 5 million times, scheduled a doctor's appointment for myself and made homemade dinners all week. I don't think I've stopped cleaning since Jordyn was born. I remember the days when I didn't have a child and would clean/organize for hours. When I was done I would sit down and relax and know that it would stay this way for days maybe even a full week! Now after cleaning so much harder then I used to and having 4x as much stuff to pick up, I sit down and realize I could blink and it will look exactly the same as when I started. The work of a mother (stay at home or working) never ends. EVER! I don't think I ever realized that until Jordyn was a little older. People always give you the standard advice when you are pregnant:

Get a lot of sleep now because you won't ever again
Enjoy your alone time & freedom
Relax as much as possible
Know that nothing will be the same from then on

I took it all to heart but I never could grasp the concept that your work is never done once you have children. I kept thinking "Yeah she's a kid. Whoppity doo. I've been around lots of kids. I'll sleep, I'll relax & I'll still be able to do what I want to a certain degree" HA! Silly me. Don't get me wrong I love my life now and I can't wait for another, it's just a hard concept to understand. Anyway on to the original reason for this post. Things I like!

I have lots of likes and even more dislikes. I picked four of my likes that first came to mind besides Jordyn & Paul. They might seem weird but that's me in a nutshell. What are some of your likes? Anything will do!

1. Shopping. Who doesn't like shopping really? Being a mother I sometimes loathe shopping. Having a 2 year old screaming in the cart for you to open a jar of pickles is not my idea of a good time and yes that has happened to me lots of times (stay away from the pickle isle). But I like shopping in general. I mostly like buying presents and things for Jordyn (clothes mostly).

2. The Amish. Yes I am obsessed with the Amish. Weird? Perhaps. I love their sense of community, support and hard work. If only I was born Amish, all would be right in the world.

3. The Little Mermaid. My favorite cartoon movie of my childhood. I love to watch it. In college whenever I was sad or *cough* hungover *cough* I would watch it. Brings back a flood of happy childhood emotions that only few things can, another being anything Jim Henson.

4. Art. All kinds! I love photography, paintings, collages and anything else artsy. I love weird and different art. Sculptures make of soup cans, paintings of nothing or so it seems. I really think when I go back to school it will be for something art related but something that could still get me a job.

So what do you like?

Emotional Post

2009-09-03T11:45:00.003-04:00

Sorry if this is annoying to read but I need some kind of release from all these feelings I hold inside. So here it goes, either enjoy (more like sympathize) the ride or get off. I am very unhappy. I don't think I've felt this bad since we first moved here and I felt all alone. I can get over feeling alone because, in all honesty, I am alone and I have to face it. I don't have friends here and as of recently I don't have a husband either. That might sound weird since he hasn't gone anywhere physically but emotionally he is gone. My days repeat over and over with not much change.

Wake up
Fed & dress Jordyn
Watch her shows
Play outside/Run errands
Naptime
Clean & Cook my ass off
Paul comes home
Eat dinner together in silence
Each of us go our separate ways (usually one to the computer & one to the tv)
I go to workout
Give Jordyn a bath and ready for bed
Have alone time in silence
Go to bed myself in silence

Wash, rinse repeat and repeat and repeat. In between all my regular activities of the day are silence besides the conservations I have with an almost two year old. Most of the time she doesn't want anything to do with me either. She is very independent which I am happy about but the lack of human contact in this house is enough to make me shrivel up in the corner. I have no idea how to fix this. Paul and I had a conversation last night about it. He said "Kara this is what married couples do. Do you expect us to be like how we were 5 years ago?" Ummm NO that's not how married couples are. Married couples still talk and love each other and show it! If they don't then I don't want to be married. This isn't the 1950's. I guess we should just throw out our bed and buy two twin beds. I can't live in a relationship where there is no physical contact and I'm not just talking sex. I need physically affection or you can throw sex out the window. Why would I want to touch someone sexually if they don't even want to hug me once a week? I feel like I'm repeating my childhood with a different man. None of us (my 2 sisters & I) were hugged as children by our father. He never made an effort to care about us physically or emotionally. When you are emotionally scarred as a child to not know the affection of the opposite sex you seem to crave it as an adult or be completely cold to it. I'm happy that I crave it because I would never want to treat my children that way. I would never want Jordyn or my future children to think they aren't good enough to even be hugged, that there is something so wrong with them that their own mother or father can't show love for them. It really stings that Paul is showing the same characteristics but not towards Jordyn, just me. I don't know what happened cause this isn't the man I've been with for 5 years and counting. What did I do so wrong to not deserve love and affection from the opposite sex my whole entire life. I can't live feeling the same way I did as a child. And I won't let my child grow up in a household where her two main role models are cold and bitter towards each other. As of right now there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Ugh... Ouch... Crap.

2009-09-02T15:16:00.004-04:00

This sums up the beginning of September for me. I know it's only been one day but seriously it's already off to a horrible start. I had to cancel my mom's only trip to Las Vegas in October. It sucks, but definitely after doing our bills today I really needed to do it. Paul's stupid company is supposed to pay for a portion of our bills and housing. It's the only way we could afford a nicer apartment and all our bills on his income. It's supposed to come at the end of the month and it's supposed to be direct deposited. Well it has never once been direct deposited and it's ALWAYS late. Right now if all of the first half of the month bills went through we would overdraw our account. Hello people we need that money! His company is pissing me off left and right lately. The program he is in has us moving at least two more times. The next stop is Texas. We're ready to move BUT.... the move itself is going to cost around $2000. The company will pay for our plane tickets (minus Jordyn), to ship one car (we're selling the other) and give us $500.... $500!! WTF is that? So we have to come up with $1500 out of pocket? Come on! You're asking us to move across the country and you will give us $500. That's such bullshit. Paul was given a document for regular employees and how much is covered when they move. It states that an employee asked to move has everything paid for in full and if you have to sell your house the company will buy it and sell it for you and give you a 5% cut! WTF! Why can't some of that money go to the poor, straight out of college employees? We aren't rolling in dough people! He is talking with the head of HR about the whole thing. I'm hoping they will change their mind and give us more to move with otherwise we are kinda screwed. There goes all the credit we have paid off. UGH!

On a better note. My beauty is turning two is a little over a month. She is talking non-stop. She repeats everything, knows A-Z and 1-10. I'm so proud and shocked cause it came out of nowhere. She is getting so good at communicating which is making her act out less and less. We are going back to Michigan for her birthday party! I'm so excited! 26 more days! Here are some recent pictures of her!

She got her first real haircut! She did really well and I did better then I thought I would. For some reason I came into the experience thinking it was going to go badly and I was going to yell at a poor, underpaid child hairdresser but that didn't happen. I can't believe how big she is getting. Time really does fly!

Guilt & Inadequacy

2009-08-15T17:57:00.002-04:00

One thing most books and magazines don't tell you about being a mother is the overwhelming feeling of guilt and inadequacy that comes quite often, stalking you when you think you have everything under control. The time these feelings hit me the hardest is bed time. Bed time sucks, well at least lately. When I lay down at night I think of all the things I did wrong. Did I feed her enough variety today? I shouldn't have let myself get so annoyed! I should have turned the t.v. off for once! I'm a horrible mom.

Ok before you say to yourself, "She's a whiny baby. Suck it up" I know this might sound like a pity party but it's not meant to be. I think moms put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect that it can eat away at you before you even realize it. "Mom perfect" is a lot different then making sure you hair is perfect, getting a perfect grade or thinking you are perfect. "Mom perfect" is being responsibly tied to another human being. It's knowing that every action can affect a little tiny you. Being a parent bares a lot of responsibility that you never even thought of before you squeezed out or got cut open for that tiny being.

I'm not going to list all the things I feel guilty for. Let's just say the list is probably miles long on paper. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but I can hope for a better future and make changes in my life. I know I'm never going to be perfect, whether it's "mom perfect" or any other kind of perfect. I'd just like to lay my head on the pillow at night and not having this heavy burden of guilt weighing me down. So far down I feel like I can never get up.

Wake up Fatty

2009-08-09T22:04:00.003-04:00

Yep I'm fat. And no not the "I'm soooo fat I'm 5lbs overweight, pushing me to an obese 140lbs" Fuck you. I'm the "I have lost 5lbs of baby weight in almost two years & originally gained close to 50lbs." FUCK! Come on. I don't know what is wrong with me. I mean I'm lazy but I never thought I could be this lazy. Not care about myself or how I look. Not care that I had to buy all new jeans because my tank ass couldn't fit in a 9 anymore. Not care that people are looking at me like I'm young mom who really let herself go by age 23. I can't stand it anymore. I can't. It's not just me saying it here or in my head it's DOING IT. I am signing up at Snap Fitness Tuesday ( I would tomorrow but I will be in Iowa all day), I'm keeping a journal of my food and calories and staying under 1500 and I'm drinking water only (besides a sugar free red bull here & there). Looking in the mirror plays tricks on you. You think I look fine, not great but fine. NO you don't. Then you see pictures of yourself and realize I look horrible. Or you're like me and get a letter in the mail saying you are denied life insurance through my husband's company. The only two reasons I can think of are 1. Your are fat or 2. You admitted to being depressed once in your life. They can't be that strict so my guess is the weight issue. Slap in the face. But I thank you life insurance cause now you've lit a bigger fire under my ginormous ass. Thank you!

Maybe

2009-08-06T14:06:00.003-04:00

Maybe if I was a better person bad things wouldn't happen to me.
Maybe if I was a better mother my daughter would actually want me around instead of the t.v. Maybe if I was a better wife I could get the affection that I crave instead of being ignored.
Maybe if I loved myself people would love me back.

So fucking sick of being alone physically and emotionally. I've completely checked out today and I'm sure Jordyn can tell. All I've done so far today is clean like a psycho for 2 hours cause everything feels dirty to me. Cleaning therapy I guess. We haven't really left the house this week besides to grocery shop. Today was going to be our fun day but how can I go anywhere if I can't stop crying? So much for being a good mother. I FAIL at that every day.

Bonjour my Sweet!

2009-08-01T14:39:00.002-04:00

Well I'm sorry I've neglected you once again. I promise to be better. We've been some very busy bees lately. My dearest friend Emily came to visit last Thursday (7/23/09 if anyone is keeping track) with little Eleanor. She's my JM best bud turned real life best bud. And Jordyn & Eleanor and forced best friends in return. But they love each other none the less. We had a lot of fun. Non-stop fun actually which made for some tired mamas. We took the girls to a county fair, to the beach, to the Mall of America and out to dinner. They did great most of the time. Sunday morning they left to go back to Chi-town and a couple hours later Paul's parents arrived from Michigan. They stayed till this Thursday (7/30/09). Non-stop activity there as well. We went back to the beach, to downtown Minneapolis, the sculpture garden, on nature trails & back to the Mall of America. By the end of the week I felt like a hibernating bear ready to sleep a thousand winters. I'm finally getting back to reality before the bustle of August slaps me in the face. We're looking at one adventure to Iowa for a JM meet up and four visitors. That's a lot of bustle baby! Bring it on I say because it makes time here fly by. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet. We will be moving to Texas at the end of October. Pro- we get to rent a house for a full year! No stupid apartments. Con- we have to live in Texas for a whole year. Heat + Us = Miserable. Oh well you do what you gotta. I'll probably be one lonely chicky while living there. Not many people have the money to fly to Texas. Boooo :(

On another note Jordyn is talking like a maniac. I knew it would happen one day just didn't think about it happening overnight. She repeats almost everything you say. She knows and recognizes emotions now. The other day I took her to the doctor and she kept saying "Mama I'm sad" and she didn't even get one shot. Nerd bird. Here's a little picture of my big girl!

Lost

2009-07-17T12:25:00.004-04:00

It's gone. Have you seen it? I know how to get it back but apparently it might not happen for awhile. What am I talking about you ask? I'm crazy aren't I?

My creative soul is the subject. I used to be very creative, artistic and all that nonsense. I was never any good at anything I did but in my own mind it was a great stress relief and sense of internal accomplishment (even if it sucked). I used to paint, draw, scrapbook and take moderately good pictures. I try to draw every now and again but it definitely wasn't my strong point. Scrap booking is extremely hard with Jordyn tearing all my stuff apart. I could do it while she napped but by the time I got everything laid out she would be awake and I would have one half assed page that I would probably throw away in a day or two cause I'm a psycho perfectionist when it comes to stuff like that.

So I've made a decision. I want, no need, a new camera. One with a lens and other fancy things. One that will allow me to take great pictures instead of taking shitty pictures that I have to try to salvage on Photoshop for hours. My road block? My husband. A good Nikon with a lens costs around $500-$1000. I'm not asking for something out of this world just a Nikon D40 with an 18-55mm lens. That's it. Everything else Photoshop can handle. So in my state of artistic panic I posted my old camera on Craigslist along with my Ipod. I'm willing to give up some things to raise money for this bitch. My husband doesn't understand my urgency which is funny coming from a man who has 2 bass guitars, one electric guitar, one acoustic guitar, a drum, a keyboard and a clarinet in the guest bedroom. Me getting a new camera is an excuse for him to get a fret less bass. Just another instrument to add to his arsenal when I have nothing. Doesn't seem fair but as long as I get my camera I'm OK with it. I already have three people inquiring about the Ipod and one scammer asking about the camera. Most people wouldn't see the point in NEEDING a camera so badly that it makes you cry but every time we do something or go somewhere I have ideas come flooding in and nothing to do about it. Oh yeah let me point and shoot with my tiny, stupid Nikon Coolpix Ashton Kutcher camera. My blackberry takes better pictures half the time. Fucking Ashton Kutcher.

I'm done now.

It's been a long time

2009-07-10T23:40:00.002-04:00

Boo!

It's me! I've been gone. Sorry. Not like anyone reads this besides Adi, which I appreciate cause she's the bomb. We were in Michigan on "vacation" for 5 days. Good drive there besides Paul swerving all over the road. What is with men not being able to accept that they can be crappy drivers too? I'm actually a much better driver then Paul and I'm not just saying that because I want to be right. I have the proof since I've never EVER been in an accident or gotten a ticket. Not that doing either makes you a bad driver but Paul has had numerous tickets and been in a couple accidents, one being major. He was swerving a lot and it was dark and slick from a light rain so I made him pull over to switch. I hate driving in the dark and I hate the stretch between Chicago and Detroit. After you are out of the city it's a pitch black, two lane disaster road.

Anyway we made it safe and sound. We were super busy seeing family and friends. It was a very fun time. Surprisingly we were happy to get back to MN. I really like it here but too bad we most likely won't end up here. Going back to Michigan makes me really appreciate having this opportunity for our family though. Paul gets to expand his job horizon by working in a bunch of different areas of chemical engineering and we get to move around testing out the waters in different states. Being in Michigan makes you depressed. I love that state but man has it gone to hell. It's not surprising since it's the most unemployed state right now. I hope things get better there.

Our next assignment will definitely be in Texas. Which is good cause I would love some Texas winter for sure! We have also decided it's time to start trying for another baby. We're both ready although I would love to shed more pounds but right now is the time since I would prefer to have the baby before we move again. It would suck to have three doctors. I'm coming to the conclusion that I won't be having a VBAC unless I can find an awesome, understanding Dr. in Texas. Hmmm maybe.

Ok goodbye for now.

I built you a home in my heart.

2009-06-22T23:20:00.005-04:00

My sister, niece and mom came to visit this past week. We had a good time and it flew by so fast. I was happy to get back into routine today but I felt lonely and out of place once again. It's weird how I have gotten used to living here but at the same time when something disturbs my routine, whether it's good or bad, I have to start over again. I live in this little bubble and even the slightest event can burst it. I was happy to have it burst this time. Jordyn did well too, besides for not napping at all.

So here I am again. Counting the days till we go back to Michigan. 9 more by the way. So far the time here has gone by extremely fast. We've been here almost 2 months so 4 more to go. I can't expect the time to pass this quickly in the future. May flew by cause we were moving in and getting settled. June flew by cause we had visitors to look forward to. July will most likely fly by because we are going back to Michigan for vacation and Paul's parents are coming to stay at the end of the month. August might go by fast because my mom is coming back to visit and Lyndsey & Andy might also come as well. September will be sloooowww. And October will be amazing. It's my favorite month, Jordyn & Paul's birthdays, HALLOWEEN & moving to our next location. Ok let's stop talking about the future.

We took Jordyn to the beach for the first time since we have been here. She loves water like nothing else. I think she would live in it if she could. If you don't watch her carefully she will take off and she thinks she can swim. If you take her out before she is ready she flips out. This happened while we were there because they had mandatory "shore" time. By the way, this wasn't a real lake, it's a "pond" in Minnetrista that is semi chlorinated and a great spot for little ones. I really need to get her into swim lessons.

I'm not Odd am I?

2009-06-15T23:15:00.003-04:00

I got a crackberry, yes you read that right a crackberry. I know why they nicknamed it that. It's so addicting that both Paul and I found ourselves sitting on the couch, browsing the Internet while a newly rejuvenated computer sat 5 feet away begging to be used. Oh I will use you baby I will, for here is where my Photo Shop lives and even though I haven't used it in awhile I need it to be here or I feel empty. Is it sad I spent a whole day's worth of time looking for a cracked version of Photo Shop or Elements? I found one thank goodness! I lost my version and for some reason when I sign up for a trial it says I only have mere hours to use that wonderful program. Thanks Adobe you whores!

My mom, sister & baby Kennedy are going to be here in T minus 36 hours! I'm so excited! I've planned out a menu cause I'm insane and I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow... ALONE! No pushing Jordyn around while she yells for strawberries the whole time. She doesn't say strawberry but when she sees them she says "NUM" over and over. I'm wondering what we should do this week. The projected weather says Saturday & Sunday are our only nice days this week. Damn you! We are obviously going to head over to the MOA for a day even though the lights, colors and sounds might overwhelm me. Oh yeah and the massive amount of PEOPLE. I gotta keep my eyes on the prize which is buying clothes for Jordyn (& maybe something for mama too). I am also thinking about going to the Minnesota Zoo. Expensive but promising. Alright I'm off to clean. Until next time here is a picture of my little mini making a fish face.

Just stop & think

2009-06-12T10:42:00.002-04:00

I think everyone takes life for granted from time to time. Sometimes it just catches up with you and you feel so overwhelmed with guilt for treating day to day life as a chore instead of the wonderful blessing it is. I'm not gonna get all preachy/spiritual on your ass but for me this is my wake up call. Whenever I start to feel lost and like life is just bearing down on me, I'm going to come back and read this post over and over to give myself a slap in the face for what is truly important.

I'm a big follower of MckMama and her family. I was reading her blog today where she linked another blogger named Matt Logelin. I started looking over his site about his beautiful little girl named Madeline. At first I thought it was just another interesting blog about babies/mamas/daddies/life (which I enjoy reading to no end) but after glancing around at his site I realized how much more deep it was then I could have imagined. The main story behind the site was so heart wrenching that I think I sat at my computer for an hour just bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating. Warning: if you are an over-emotional preggo you might not want to read any further or Matt's site cause I wouldn't want to be responsible for hours of preggo crying cause I know once it starts it's hard to stop.

Anyway back to the story at hand. Matt is an amazing father who's wife was taken from this world much too soon, actually only one day after their daughter was born. I don't know the full circumstances cause I can't continue to read without having my eyes completely swell shut. Reading about his struggles, triumphs and just every day life makes me really just appreciate all I have around me. I might complain and majority of the time it's stupid, petty shit but I'm trying to make a change in my life. I have always been the morbid type that constantly thinks of death to the point where I could just burst out in tears and you wouldn't have a clue why. My brain is going a hundred miles a minute and I probably think of death (either me, Jordyn or Paul dying along with family) 5 hours added up in each day. I need to stop being so worried and live life for each day that I have cause you truly never know what is going to happen next.

I'm not going to end this with some cheesy quote, but as my daughter looks up at me with a confused/concerned look on her face and hands me her one favorite thing in this whole world to comfort me, her monkey, I realize this is what my life is really about. Being loved and loving others. Sorry that was kind of corny but that's my life :)

Chaos in Chaska!

2009-06-10T00:00:00.002-04:00

My desktop is under construction right now and giving me hell so I'm Paul's old laptop which would be a great computer if it wasn't packed with garbage! I miss my Photo shop so much! I've been itching to make some siggies but alas I can not till we get the Internet to fricken work. Anyway here is my interesting story for the evening.

Yesterday we returned home from a trip to Kohl's and Guitar Center to find our street completely blocked by firefighters and police. They were directing traffic into the Elementary school parking lot across the street from our neighborhood. They wouldn't tell us what was going on but it was a fire or a gas leak. So we sat for awhile and then were directed to go into the school. Annoying but ok. Then they tell us that a man has barricaded himself in his apartment and is threatening the police. They didn't know if he had a gun or hostage and they were taking extreme caution. WTF? We moved from a ghetto city where nothing much happened (at least not by us) to a wholesome little community and this shit happens? Weird! So we drove around for awhile trying to put Jordyn to bed since now it was around 9:30pm. Finally we were allowed back in without being told anything. After searching the news all day the story unfolds. The man had a fight with a woman and another man apparently. Someone broke a window so the cops were called and then the man refused to come out to talk to cops so he was considered a threat. He didn't have any weapons. I guess closing the street for 4 hours was a bit extreme but I'm glad they have the man in custody and he is in a lot of trouble. He was charged with second degree terrorist threat! Good luck dude!

I don't give a shit Friday!

2009-06-05T11:05:00.002-04:00

So I've declared today I don't give a shit day! Wooo! Or for those who don't swear like a sailor I don't give a crap day! I've realized I let a lot of little things get to me and being a mom you need to learn to let those stupid little annoyances roll off your back or you might drive yourself insane. So today I'm gonna list all the crap that would normally bug me. You should try this too on your blog or post a comment here telling me one thing you don't give a shit about today. Here we go!

I don't give a shit that Jordyn is sitting on the floor pulling all the wipes out and rubbing them all over.

I don't give a shit that my kitchen is a disaster and I have empty pop bottles all over.

I don't give a shit that Jordyn is playing with my headphones as long as I have enough free time to throw some makeup on.

I don't give a shit that I should have given Jordyn a bath last night but forgot.

I don't give a shit that my hair makes me look crazy today.

I don't give a shit that the maintenance man just saw some extreme side boob cause I'm wearing an awesome muscle shirt and was standing at the window making breakfast.

Now you do the same! It makes you feel better even if for a short period of time!

3 things you need to know about Minnesota!

2009-06-04T15:05:00.003-04:00

I have decided that Minnesota is the land of three things...
1. Lakes
2. Slow/Stupid drivers
3. Middle aged women who try to look & dress young (Desperate Housewives style)

Let's examine the three shall we?
Minnesota has over 10,000 lakes. Seriously you can't drive anywhere without seeing one whether it be big or small. This makes Minnesota one of the most beautiful states I've ever been to. Nature is big here and it's refreshing to know people do still care about the environment. With lakes comes great parks, outdoor activities and fun. This is my number one like about Minnesota.

Now let's move on to the more negative things that plague Minnesota. Slow and/or stupid drivers. Yes I get it, it's not 70 miles an hour like it is in Michigan but for god's sake you CAN drive the speed limit. I was driving Paul to work yesterday on a 65 mile an hour freeway. I was going exactly 65 and passing everyone! Young, old, stupid it doesn't matter, they were all going about 55. Then as I was coming home from IKEA on the major freeway I was driving about 70 in a 65. Not too shabby. I pull into the left lane to pass a huge semi and low and behold there is a moron going about 50. I slam on my brakes and wait for this retard to drive faster. Not happening, the semi is passing him! Finally I get around him and take a look to see if he is 90 years old.... Nope probably about 21. HELLO? Apparently no one is ever in a rush, actually it wouldn't be considered a rush to just drive the speed limit, in this state.

And lastly middle aged women being "young". Ok your past your prime, you need a boost and that's fine and dandy but mini skirts and halter tops are the mistakes of 15 year olds not 45 year olds! Come on now! While driving to pick Paul up from work I see a 40 something woman tanned to sun cancer perfection, wearing a black pleated mini skirt and a bright blue polo halter top. She looked like she was ready for some tennis but guess what was missing? The tennis racket! She was strutting her shit along the main road in heels. This is definitely not the first woman I have seen like this. It's nice to feel young but that doesn't mean dress like a whore, tan till your skin falls off and then pack on the makeup. Yikes! If I am ever that desperate for attention just put me in a home. They do have homes for middle aged whores right?

The Fever

2009-06-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

I can't escape it! Every where I go I see a newborn, or a cute preggo and I just feel the urge. I found this beautiful mama when I searched "Mamas with tattoos" on Flickr. I found her blog on her profile page. She is pregnant with twins and has three kiddos at home. Doesn't she look amazing? Click Here Maybe I'm crazy but I LOVE being pregnant. If I could do it all my life I would but I don't think I could handle more then 4 kids. It's so weird cause when I'm pregnant my hormones balance out and I'm so happy and nice, definitely not the usual for me. I love every part of it even the swollen ankles and uncomfortable parts. I never had trouble sleeping and I worked up until I was 34 weeks so I was always moving around. I got cheated and had to give up all of that early. Obviously the outcome was a lot better! I just can't wait to be pregnant again! And this time have a planned pregnancy and be financially stable. All I'm worried about is going through the same things I did with Jordyn's delivery. Mentally/emotionally I couldn't do that again. I want a VBAC but I'm scared that my blood pressure won't be under control and I will end up having a c-section anyway. I have nothing against c-sections I just want the chance to have my next baby the natural way. I guess for now all I can do is hope and dream that things will go my way when we finally do have another!

My mom & sister come to visit 2 weeks from today! I'm so excited I just wish it was sooner. This week is actually going by pretty fast especially for only having one car working right now. I think I've come to the conclusion I'm not going to make any friends here. I'm not gonna brush people off but I feel like I don't fit in with the moms I have seen so far. Oh well. I'm only here for 5 more months anyway.

I just keep going.

2009-06-02T19:54:00.002-04:00

Brace yourself this is a weight/health post. So I've been trying really REALLY hard to get into shape to have another baby. I don't want Pre-Eclampsia again and I've looked into what I can do to help that and mostly it's just eat right, stay away from sodium and lower your weight. Right now I'm unhappy with my weight as it is but when I try and nothing works it's really frustrating. Before we left I was eating whatever I wanted and figured I would get it all out of the way before we got to our new place. Once Paul's mom left I started dieting and have done very well with the exception of pizza last Saturday and a bottle of wine last Friday. I'm eating 1700-1900 calories a day which is about 200 less then Mydailyplate recommends but I don't feel comfortable eating 2200 calories a day while trying to loose weight. I haven't been eating 1700-1900 calories of crap, I've been eating good healthy foods like whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean protein and calcium. What the hell is the deal? After 3 weeks of dieting I weight .2 less then when I started. I've been trying to work out too but by the end of the day I'm exhausted and our gym here closes at 9pm cause it's Plesantville remember? I feel like I am never gonna get to a healthy weight to have another baby. I need to loose about 10lbs a month to have it work out in the time frame we are looking at. It really seems impossible :(

Nervous Breakdown #4 million

2009-05-30T19:12:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was hell on Earth for me. The morning went smoothly. We were supposed to go to the Mall of America with a friend but she couldn't make it. Instead of sitting inside and sulking I decided to take Jordyn over to the regular mall in the area. She did well. I was disappointed with everything they had but I did find a cute spring jacket for $12. We had lunch and then left with no major meltdowns. Jordyn of course fell asleep in the car on the way home, which is about a 15 minute car drive. When we got back she refused to nap. I tried multiple times but to no avail. I decided we could go on a walk instead but when I went inside to get the sunscreen she flipped out on the front porch causing a huge scene. Ok I'm gonna crawl back into my house now and not be seen for months thank you. We then laid down on my bed and fell asleep for about an hour and a half. When we woke up I decided we would go to dinner. We always go out on Friday nights and I was excited to get out and do something. STUPID STUPID STUPID. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and as soon as we sat down and I almost burst into tears knowing this was a huge mistake. My anxiety was through the roof. Jordyn was HORRIBLE. Beyond horrible. Everything we gave her to entertain herself ended up being launched across the restaurant. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Not only did she throw things but she screamed "No NO NO" over and over again. I just sat in my seat and stared at my plate. I held back tears the entire dinner. It's bad enough that I look young, have visible tattoos and a young kid cause I get enough dirty looks for that alone but to have her behave so badly was so awful. I looked and felt like the worst mother on the planet. Once the food came I shoveled mine down as fast as possible (which caused problems later) and took her out to car. I buckled her in and cried my eyes out. I don't know how I am supposed to handle a year of this bullshit but apparently I have to. I love my kid to death but this behavior makes my stomach turn. I see spankings in her near future. It's the only thing I know how to do to handle it and I'm not ashamed. If I ignored it and let her be "herself" I could see her turning out to be one major brat and I think we have enough of those in this world. Later that night I drank a bottle of wine and felt a lot better. Maybe I should start stock piling wine for the days, weeks and months to come.

Here with me

2009-05-28T16:51:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Plesantville. Population 17,000 including one tattooed mama with no friends.

This is the view from our porch. Lovely. Lonely. 2 weeks down here in Chaska. 2 weeks 6 days till my sister & mom come to visit. Minnesota is a nice state. Maybe too nice. I think I come off as a bitch just by the way I look and how I tend not to make eye contact with everyone I see. I think it's a Michigan thing to ignore others around you. I always think everyone is judging me. They probably aren't but it's not like I'm gonna strike up a conversation with a stranger in the local grocery store. That's just not me.

Yesterday at Target I found a little book entitled "Sisters". I read it thinking maybe it would be cute and I could get it for Lyndsey when she comes but it was pretty dull. I cried at the end though like a sap. I probably looked nuts. Grown woman crying while reading children's book as her toddler screams "NO" over and over, what a sight.

I think it might be time to go see a doctor. I don't feel right and I haven't for awhile but now that I am alone it's obviously worse. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix it but I can't. The only problem is we just got insurance, it's not processed yet so that will take awhile and then I have to find a doctor that will actually help me. Happiness can wait a couple more weeks I suppose.

I NEED your help!

2009-05-25T00:15:00.002-04:00

Since we moved people want to come visit a lot! I love it! I'm so excited for my calendar to fill up with guests and fun times but I'm having a dilemma.... What do I make for lunch? I have tons of ideas for dinners and especially for my family I have traditional meals that makes our hearts warm but I have no ideas for lunch. I don't want to feel the need to go out and get lunch every day which wouldn't be a problem if we were still in Ann Arbor but in Chaska there is a Dairy Queen, Qdoba and Culver's. That's about it. Give me ideas please! I'll have sandwich fix ins and such but I want to make good things for lunch too! Maybe some soups? Fancy-er Sandwiches? Give me any ideas you have. Thanks!

Memorial Day Menu

2009-05-23T12:58:00.004-04:00

Since Paul is home from Texas after being gone a week I've decided that this weekend needs to be lots of fun before he starts work this Tuesday. I was trying to look for farmer's markets to go to but they close at 1pm so I guess we won't be doing that today. We love Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on Food Network and we like to go to the places he goes to if they are near by. Well there are about 7 different places in Minneapolis he has been to so we might go there today. Give me ideas for tomorrow! It's supposed to be 79 degrees tomorrow and 80 on Monday. Monday I just want to play outside and hang out but tomorrow I have nothing planned. Hmmm...

Well anyway here is the menu I have planned for Memorial Day! I'll link recipes.

Mama's Pasta Salad (my mama)
1 red pepper
1 green pepper
1 orange pepper
1 yellow pepper
1 large onion
2 boxes of Tricolor Rotini
Salad seasoning McCormick
Zesty Italian dressing 3/4 a bottle
Sharp white cheddar cut into chunks
Salami chunks (optional)
Salt & Pepper
Garlic seasoning

Cook pasta till aldente. Cut peppers, onion, cheese and salami. After pasta is cooled mix together with onion, peppers, cheese & salami. Coat in Italian dressing and season with salad seasoning. I eye ball it but probably use 4 TB of the seasoning if not more. Season with salt, pepper and garlic. Mix together and put in the fridge for an hour or two. Yummy! Makes a ton but it's good for days!

Italian Beef Sandwiches
Recipe found Here

And for desert cupcakes!
Recipe by Vanessa found on her cooking blog Here

Can't wait for the yummyness! Now off to work out so I can actually eat all these goodies on Monday!

P.S. A picture of Jordyn just for fun. Can you tell she isn't interested in what I have to say!

New Blog

2009-05-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

It's about where we will be living for the next two years. Check it out!

www.jantzentravels.blogspot.com

Today's my birthday!

2009-05-08T11:08:00.002-04:00

I am the big 2-3! I feel like 23 is still so young. Mentally I feel a lot older then 23. Today probably won't be anything special. I'm tired because Jordyn wanted to sleep with us last night and after multiple kicks in the back and screaming out about 100 times I had to put her back in her crib at 4am. My apartment is a mess which is giving me anxiety because we are moving in 5 days. Me & mess don't mix well together especially unorganized mess. I'm messy don't get me wrong but only in the way where I can pick it up quickly but everything major is in it's place. Right now there is crap everything whether is be big, small, from the kitchen or from the bathroom, it's everywhere! I am really happy to be moving away from fake people in my life. I can break the thread that binds us by just not caring anymore. It's funny when you think you know someone but they are just as fake as the day is long. I love the rest of my friends though and I will miss them. Especially my married/preggo/baby having friends. It's true when people say you have a kid and everything changes. Not just in your life but in the lives of others and the way they treat you. I've never expected much from my childless friends. I know we are in different places in our lives. But it's the complete lack of effort and disregard that pisses me off. Just cause you have a child doesn't mean you should to thrown to the end of the Earth and not considered a friend anymore. I really shouldn't let it bother me cause it shows me who is a true friend and who isn't. I've had people tell me that when your friends grow up and go through what you have been through they will come back around and you know what I say to that... fuck you. I'm not gonna care about you when you didn't care about me. An eye for an eye.

Happy Birthday to me.

Singing & Dancing

2009-05-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

Not much is new here. I haven't updated cause I don't have much to say. We move in less then 2 weeks. Our going away party is this Sunday. Jordyn is still breaking her "i" teeth and it's making her feverish. My newest nephew was born today. That's about it.

Jordyn's fever scared me cause Medicade dicked us over once again and I don't have her card anymore so I can't take her to the doctor unless it's an emergency. She's fine thank goodness. I am also feeling some pain on my side when I go to the bathroom and I'm hoping it's nothing bad. I need to go to the doctor as soon as we move. And the dentist. Fun times.

Ok I'm boring. I'll update again with something fun and exciting. HA!

Argh Pretty as a Picture!

2009-04-21T18:19:00.003-04:00

Jordyn and I traveled to Chicago last week to visit with our friends Emily & Eleanor. We had a good time minus the no naps and trouble sleeping. I wish we could of stayed longer but it was either leave late at night and have Jordyn sleep the whole way back or take a cranky kid back 4 hours the next day. We went to the zoo while we were there and Emily & I had more fun then the kids. They didn't seem to get as excited as we did. Pssht they don't know what they're missing.

I got an amazing deal on cloth diapers from my friend Michelle! She is selling all her BG's and she let me have them for $12 a piece instead of $17 since they are slightly used but they have no staining so I'm happy. She is also throwing in a wet bag, some liners and order spray. She's the best! So now my collection will be at 17. I think I'm going to buy a couple goodmama's and a blueberry or two. I've also heard great things about the Imse Visme brand.

The countdown is really on now! About 20 days left! I seriously can't wait. I know it's gonna be rough moving four times in 2 years but we can handle it. We decided to wait on the new car till we are stable in MN. Smart idea. Alright I'm done. See ya on the flip side.

I WANT

2009-04-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

This...
The End.

I don't know how long I can hold my heart in two.

2009-04-13T17:09:00.002-04:00

It's Monday.... Monday BLOWS. Fuck you Monday.

Jordyn is going through some phase where she acts completely insane. And being a mother I am supposed to grin & bare it. Fuck. I don't think I can grin anymore. She was on my very last shred of nerve today. I held back my frustration so much that I think I might have burst a blood vessel in my eye. I can't see it but my eye socket kills. I also punched the desk which scared the crap out of her (which I felt horrible about after the fact) but I had to get it out somehow. I've had anger problems since in the womb (no joke I actually almost died due to stress). They don't just go away. And if I could get medical help for my problems I totally would but *sigh* I have no medical insurance like so many other Americans. God bless this country and it's morals.

Easter was fun. Exhausting but fun. Jordyn had no nap and did rather well. She is good in crowded situations especially with lots of love around her. My tattoo is itching me to death. Can't itch it though. It's healing very well too. I can't wait to get the color. The next couple weeks might break me. So very busy. This week I'm going to Chicago to see my friend Emily & her daughter Eleanor. Next week my sister might have her son if his lungs are developed. I need to drive 4 hours to get the color portion of my tattoo. Paul has finals and can't help me with anything. Need to finish party planning. Need to go buy a new car. Then we have two weeks of packing & tying up loose ends. It seems like time is standing still sometimes.

If only it were this easy.

Moving update

2009-04-08T11:39:00.003-04:00

Ok I finally have time to update this thing. Jordyn is transfixed with Yo Gabba Gabba at the moment. We went house hunting last weekend. It was a complete bust. Wonderful! No one in Minnesota wants to rent a house to someone who will be moving out in the winter months because they can't find anyone else to rent it during that time. UGH! Well I can't do anything about that. We are there for 6 months exactly and that's it. It's just annoying. I really didn't want to be in another apartment because it makes me feel trapped. But we have to settle for a 3 bedroom apt. in Chaska. It's really nice and brand new. And it has my washer & dryer (my only requirement). I can't believe we have to move again in 6 months though! Yikes that's a lot of stress. Especially since I do all the packing myself.

Jordyn did really well while we were gone. She didn't nap at all during the weekend so the past two days she has really been catching up on her sleep. I was so nervous she would be crazy the entire time we were gone but she was well behaved and had a lot of fun. I think it also made her realize how much she loves her bed cause we haven't had any more sleeping issues since we got home.

In other news. I got the outline for my quarter sleeve yesterday. He did it so fast and I barely hurt. After awhile you are just used to the feeling. I go back for color in 2 weeks. Can't wait!!! Here's a picture.

These precious things...

2009-03-30T22:19:00.003-04:00

"Let them bleed, let them wash away. These precious things. Let them break their hold over me."

I have nothing new to really write about. I dyed my hair dark brown but it looks black whenever I look at it. I hope it fades cause I'm way to pale and naturally blond to have black hair. I made my tattoo appointment for next Tuesday at 5pm. I'm so flippin excited. I gave him two photos of the flowers I want and he did a rough sketch and showed me the layout. Yay! He's knocking off $150-$200 too because I have to go to Ohio for my second session and it's a 4 hour drive. I'll post some pictures on Flickr when I get home from the first session.

April is going to be one busy month. Here's my list of things I need to do. Maybe this will help me to not forget everything.
Trip to Minnesota to look at houses this weekend.
Finish packing.
Find homes for things we aren't taking with us.
Four hour tattoo session on April 7th.
Trip to Chicago to see Emily & Eleanor for three days on April 14th.
Going to see my new nephew when he's born.
Mail out my going away party invites.
Pick up Jordyn's toddler bed and other things we need before we move.
Turn in my camera to Best Buy.
Have a night out (I hope this happens)

That's all I can think of for now. May is busy too but we will only be here for two weeks. And to finish one of my favorite Tori Amos songs.

"I remember. Yes in my peach party dress. No one dared, no one cared to tell me where the pretty girls are. Those demigods with their nine inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl"

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

2009-03-27T22:19:00.002-04:00

A month and half till we leave! Thank god. Michigan is so depressing. After watching the news the other night and then reading today that Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the U.S. I can't wait to get out of here. I just wish I could bring my family with me. I feel like I'm leaving them behind in this shit hole. I'm just excited for the unknown. I've never lived outside of Michigan. I've lived on my own for 5 years now so I know that will be easy but I've always had someone to call if I got lonely like my sister or mom to hang out with. The first week living in Minnesota Paul has to go on a business trip to Texas. That's gonna be a shitty week. A new, unfamiliar house. Just me and the Jay bird. Yikes.

I'm so paranoid. I can't stop my brain from over thinking. I always think every one is gonna die. It's a horrible quality that I wish I didn't have but I have thought this way since I was a young child. We are going to MN to look at houses next Friday-Sunday and my brain is already telling me I'm gonna die. It's horrible. As each day gets closer I am gonna get more and more crazy. UGH! Stop. I wish I could just be normal. I don't want to leave Jordyn. I've only spent one night away from her in 18 months. Well pray for me or think good thoughts for me. I'd appreciate it.

My Apologies & Fuck Yous

2009-03-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry I'm not out at the bar like everyone else my age, sleeping with random strangers and puking up my dignity the next morning.

I'm sorry my life isn't interesting to anyone, not even me.

I'm sorry my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but I wouldn't change it.

I'm sorry I didn't fuck everything up for you.

I'm sorry having a child has such a bad stigma for people my age even though I'm a better mother then most people twice my age.

I'm sorry that keeping in touch with me is so hard yet sometimes not hard at all. Pick up the phone, jump on yahoo, myspace, facebook and there I am.

I'm sorry I have no friends besides my Internet moms.

I'm sorry if the above statement sounds lame to you.

I'm sorry that I try and I get nothing in return.

I'm sorry that my husband and I actually get along.

I'm sorry that nothing I do is good enough whether it's physical, mental or emotional.

I'm sorry I'm not the person you want me to be.

I'm a Nerd

2009-03-23T13:22:00.000-04:00

I made a siggy last night that I am so very proud of. Nerdy I know, but lately I've felt extremely uncreative so making something that I was proud of made me pretty happy. And I finished it while I was a little tipsy (more then a little). Here it is.
She kicks the ball in the real version but I don't know if blogspot supports GIF animation. Anyway I hope I can start making better stuff now. I just finished the invitation to our going away party as well. Here it is.

I can't believe people pay for the junk on snapfish. So plain and so expensive. If you ever need invites or anything I'll make it for free. Now I just need to order them and send them out.

Jordyn has started talking so much this past weekend. It's like we turned on a switch. I think her and Marcus have a secret telepathic thing going on with their talking LOL! Today she has already said watch Elmo, Dancing, What's that and Brush teeth! I'm so proud. She talks to herself constantly too. Her cute little voice having a conversation with her Elmo doll is enough to melt this mama's heart. So adorable!

Love in an Elevator!

2009-03-20T14:04:00.000-04:00

Tax money came!! Woot Woot! Do a dance! And now that our move is half the price we can actually enjoy some it. We're gonna pay off some more credit which is good. We really don't have that much but it will be really nice to pay off a big portion of it and maybe only have $700 left on my good credit card. I feel really lame cause I'm so excited to pay bills. But after years of thinking "SHIT I'm never going to be able to pay this off" it's nice to not have it hanging over my head. And that means when it's time to get a house in a couple years our credit will be amazing! I treated myself this morning to a little Etsy purchase, well two.

This little teapot was only $19. It's so cute and the perfect color because one day I dream of having a kitchen done in black, white, green and pops of yellow. Vintage kitchen! It is also the same color as the KitchenAid stand mixer I want but I can't afford that for awhile. I also bought this little guy.
I love owls! I can just never find ones I actually like. I want to start collecting them. This little guy can hold flowers or pencils. I don't think I will put anything in him though. I love him just as he is. That's the color yellow I want in my kitchen too. Very vintage colors. I'm so excited. I'm also scared that someone might steal the package though. I never ever get anything sent to our apartment for fear of someone stealing it but I'm taking a chance and if some idiot steals my package I'm sure they are going to be very disappointed because I don't know too many people who have the same weird taste as I do.

Today I'm listening to Postal Service. I miss them. I know it's mainly just Death Cab but it's different to me. Alright I'm off to clean while the little sleeps! Guten Tag!

Fast Forward

2009-03-19T10:58:00.000-04:00

Can we please fast forward to May 13th? I don't want to live here anymore. Two apartments a block away from ours got broken into. They apparently did it at 3am on spring break and took EVERYTHING. How do you get away with that? Each one of our buildings is made up of 12 apartments and 3 floors. I guess they went to the 2nd floor and broke into two apartments across from each other. They had to have known the people were gone on vacation, but still. This scares me. Paul told me all this news right before bed too. I had 3 nightmares. I wish we were moving tomorrow instead of 55 days.

Jordyn is driving me up a wall today. She woke up screaming last night. I just brought her into our bed. She kicked me so many times so needless to say I didn't really sleep. Then she decided she was ready to get up at 6am. So back to her crib she went where she went back to sleep for an hour and a half. I'm sleepy and cranky. She is being a good girl today just very demanding and aggressive lately. She hands you something and yells at you in her jibberish. Then if you don't do what she wants she yells and stomps her feet or cries. Yikes! I feel bad because she is trying so hard to communicate but it's not working and we don't understand what she wants.

She looks so grown up in this picture! Where did my baby go? She turned 17 months yesterday.

Just Another Day

2009-03-17T13:19:00.000-04:00

It might be St. Patty's day but for us it's just another day. Paul is Irish and I am a tad Irish too so I guess that means Jordyn is a tiny bit Irish as well. But today isn't about being Irish it's about drinking yourself into oblivion and puking up green beer. What a stupid holiday. Being that we live directly between two major Universities in Michigan we are surrounded by drunk morons. So far I have yet to encounter any but I find myself driving extra careful today and I know by the end of the day I will find a drunken moron screaming about how drunk they are. It's bound to happen. You would think the older you get the stupider this holiday would look to you but at work Paul said all the guys were talking about getting out of work at 3pm to get wasted and taking tomorrow off to recover. Seriously? Grown men who work at Toyota? Scientists? Hmmm this irks me. Maybe I'm just an old maid but the idea of going to a bar with a bunch of college drunks screaming, singing and puking sounds worse to me then the dentist. And I hate the dentist.

Jordyn has been trying so hard to talk today. Paul doesn't believe me. He has no faith in her abilities sometimes. Today when I was feeding her breakfast I asked her to eat one more bite and she shook her head while saying NO. Now I can't get her to say it again but it was clear as day. Then I had both her milk and juice sippy and she pointed and said I want this. I asked which one milk or juice and she pointed again and said I want juice. Not a fluke! Then later I was holding her and drinking water. When it was gone I said all gone and she repeated all gone. She's trying so hard! It really bothers me that Paul thinks I'm either lying or that it won't happen again cause she can't repeat everything on demand.

Well that's it for now. I have some errands to run. Happy St. Patty's day.

Starting Fresh

2009-03-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I'm starting over. Tomorrow I'm starting back on my diet. I've fallen off the wagon hard but thankfully I haven't gained much weight back. I need to lose around 25lbs before July if we want to try to conceive again. Tomorrow I am starting my water only kick. I love Coke Zero so much but I know it's holding me back. Along with getting rid of my Coke Zero I am not drinking beer or liquor anymore for a long while. I had my last whiskey this weekend so I'm fine with it. I might have some wine here and there but probably not. Tomorrow also starts our week of no t.v. I'm so sick of it being on constantly. Jordyn never paid attention to it before but now she always watches it. I think it's also hindering her communication skills. She will be allowed to watch Sesame Street in the morning and that's it. We will listen to music and dance and play. It's funny cause when you turn off the t.v. now she points and says "Uh Oh t.v." I am also going to try to change my behaviors towards her. Today she was a big handful and even Paul yelled at her which he never does. We both agreed we need to stop and think about how we handle her instead of reacting. It's really hard to do it but I know if I think about it a lot I will do it. We need to stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. Tomorrow I also need to start my packing and organizing. I have the tools I just don't know where to start so I just stare at what needs to be done instead of doing it. That's my a lot of things to start on a Monday but I can do it!

Here is the picture of the Wave Field that I was describing in my last post. There is more pictures on my Flickr page if you want to check it out. I wish we could have gotten outside today but we were all so very lazy. Tomorrow is a new day though!

Half Acre

2009-03-14T22:48:00.000-04:00

"I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in

Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?

Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you

A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking

So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us

But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home" - Hem

This song is amazing. I fell in love with it years ago when I heard it on a commercial as the background music. My sister had it on her myspace when she lived in Alabama. It speaks to me and especially since I'm moving from Michigan, my home, to some place new. I hope I like it but I know there will be times I just can't take feeling so alone. I'm not super dependent on my family but then again my family is my friends. I have no friends in real life. Most days I'm ok with that because there is such lack of effort on both sides. Other days I'm annoyed with the fact that you have a kid and no one even seems to give a shit about you anymore. I went out with a fellow mommy/friend from high school. We hadn't seen each other for four years but automatically we had such a good connection because we are moms. We are very different but so similar. It was really refreshing knowing I'm not crazy and she feels the same way. I've never been the type of person to be torn up over friendships or the lack there of. So must of the time I say fuck em. I know they are doing their own thing and so am I. But once I'm gone, I'm gone and if you think you didn't hear from me before this move will make me nonexistent.

We went to the park today. Well not really a park but a nature trail in Ann Arbor but the Huron River. Jordyn was so excited. She was playing and running and picking up sticks. She was running down the trail and tripped. She ate the cement a little. She has a scratch above her lip and on her little nose. First boo boo. Poor tiny. After that we went to a place called Wave Field on the UofM campus. It's this field with man made rolling hills but they are close together. I'll post a picture later because stupid blogspot won't let me now. Then we got an ice cream and went home. I went to Target to have some alone time. I was supposed to buy myself something cause I never do but I ended up buying soap, shampoo for me & paul, razors, floss, new toothbrushes, cereal, cheese and moving totes. Wooopie!

Sleep Progression

2009-03-13T13:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I started thinking about sleep. Paul actually fell asleep holding me which is very rare even though I wish it wasn't. He's a selfish sleeper which I can be at times too. I was thinking of how we got here. Not necessarily our relationship but how over time our sleep patterns have changed along with location. I think the first time we shared a bed was at my mom's house and it was my tiny twin. Not too comfortable. Then came the dorm beds. Two people should never sleep that high off the ground. This proved true when my roommate's boyfriend fell from her loft and landed on our t.v. smashing it. From then on we slept on the futon which was so beautifully nicknamed the "flip & fuck" by every person at State. Ask anyone to this day and I bet it's called the same thing and forever will be. Then came the king size bed we own now. When I was pregnant I hogged it and we went to bed at 9pm most nights. Nerds. Now our sides have indents and the middle has a hump because no one sleeps there. So this is what I thought of till I finally fell asleep. The spooning didn't last. It never does. Sometimes I miss the old tiny beds because we were forced to spoon or fall off.

This picture gives me the baby fever like whoa. Oh the tiny-ness! I am so excited for next week. Our tax return should be here on the 17th. I can then book a consultation for my sleeve and get an idea of what I want. So excited!

Minnesota?

2009-03-12T19:19:00.000-04:00

Paul got a call yesterday from the company he is starting work for in 2 months. They said his first rotation isn't going to be in Houston it's going to be in Chanhassen, Minnesota. Whhhhhaatt? That's a big change. I was just getting used to the idea of living in Texas and now I have to get used to the idea of living in Minnesota. Madness. So now I'm scrabbling to find town homes to look at in a couple weeks when we go on a house hunting trip. I'm hoping for March 28th or the first weekend in April. Moving has me stressed out again. I cleaned out Jordyn's closet and organized all her clothes. She has a huge Rubbermaid full, a medium Rubbermaid full and an under the bed box full. Oh yeah and three dresser drawers and her closet still full. Seriously? It's from preemie size to 2t but that's a lot of clothes. I even have two large garbage bags full of clothes to go to the children's resale store and to salvation army. I feel like I should do it over and reorganize it. That's typical me. I constantly take everything I do and re-do it. I know I shouldn't but I know there is more I can give away. I also have stuff to sell like her glider, our bookcase and probably our computer desk. Too much to do not enough time. 2 months isn't enough time for someone that is OCD about organization.

Meatloaf Recipe

2009-03-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

I made this from my cookbook the other day and I promised Amanda that I would post it for her but I hope other try it as well. It's so good and full of flavor and very healthy. Here is the recipe.

Non cooking spray
1c Italian seasoned bread crumbs
1/2c non fat skim milk
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 onion chopped
2 celery stalks chopped
1lb lean ground turkey
1/2c grated parmesan
1/2c carrot puree
1/4c ketchup
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1c tomato sauce
4 slices of turkey bacon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, Coat a 9x5in loaf pan with the cooking spray. In a large bowl soak the breadcrumbs in the milk. Coat a large skillet with the cooking spray and put it over medium heat. When it's hot add the oil and cook the onion for 7 to 10 minutes. Add the celery and cook for another 3 minutes. Mix with the breadcrumbs. Then add the turkey, parmesan, carrot puree, ketchup, salt and pepper and mix together. Put the mixture into the loaf pan and smooth the top. Spread your tomato sauce over the top and place your bacon slices on top. It says to bake for 50-60 minutes but I find it took a lot longer, more like an hour and a half. If you have a meat thermometer I would use that.

The only problem I had with this recipe was the time difference and you can't tell if the meat is done when you cut it open because it's tinted orange from the carrot puree. But trust me as long as you cook it a little longer then what it says it turns out great! Here are some pictures I took of the process.
The Aftermath. Yikes. I hate washing dishes and I end up doing it a lot even though I have a dish washer. If anyone tries this and likes it let me know. I have some others I might be trying out this week.

PTSD

2009-03-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

PTSD stands for post traumatic stress disorder and I'm pretty sure I have some form of it. I haven't reflected on the birth of Jordyn as much as I should. I think I need to get through all these bad feelings I have towards the situation so I don't feel this way anymore. She's almost 18 months old and I still have problems understanding how she got here. I mean obviously I know the logistics of how she is here, lady + man = baby, but the whole experience was ridiculous. Now that I think back no wonder everyone was so nice to me and checking on me constantly cause they probably thought they might get sued.

I think I'm one of the very few women on this planet that is not worried about my second child and the bond we will share. I know (this is sad) that our bond will most likely be stronger. I failed at two of the most important tasks you face as a mother, birth & nourishment. Most people would say neither of those are your fault. The failure of the birthing process led to the failure of breastfeeding. It really eats me up inside when I think the first moments I shared with my first born were completely unconscious. I shouldn't have to feel this way at all.

It's odd for me to even share feelings like this even if no one reads it. I'm the type of person to completely hide any and all feelings I have for fear of looking weak. I just have to get something out somewhere or I might explode. I really wish I could talk to someone about everything that happened to get their take on it but I have no health insurance till May so taking to a Dr. is out of the question for a little while. I have so much more to write but I can't cause I'm starting to feel sick from it. Thanks for reading.

I don't want to be a Mom today

2009-03-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

I don't. If you think less of me that's fine. If you think "Oh she must be a horrible mom to not want to do the same exact thing DAY in and DAY out" then I'm happy that you have a perfect life. But as of today and all the events that have so far transpired, I would rather be a garbage man today.

Diet

2009-03-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I ate horrible the past week. I wanted to go out with a bang for the month of February but I only ended up losing 4lbs. But today is a new day and the start of March so I have 4 more weeks to kick some butt and maybe loose some decent numbers.

This picture is entitled "Brunch of a dieting Pollack"

4 Pierogis = 227 calories
Steamed Broccoli with cheese = 45

She wore a Raspberry Beret

2009-02-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

I hate apartment living. I don't know how people can do it their whole lives. I think I would go mad not having my own space. Today after getting out of the shower the pipes in my whole apartment complex went crazy. It sounded like a snake charmer calling out a snake but turn the volume up all the way it can go! I wanted to SCREAM. Not only did it last for about a half hour but it woke Jordyn up from her nap for a little bit (thankfully she can sleep through almost anything) I took a video of just the noise on my phone and sent it to Paul. I wish I could upload it here. I really almost went out in the hallway to yell but there is no one to yell at. It's the pipes. I can't wait to move.

I bought this awesome cookbook at TJ Max the other day. I saw it on our way out and grabbed it. It is normally $25 but I got it for $6.99! It's a cookbook for kids and how you can disguise veggies in almost anything! I think Ms. Chelsea would love this book! The recipes are simple too. Most of them just require you to finely chop the veggies or toss them in a food processor. I'm gonna try some this weekend for breakfast.

I just bought this from Etsy. It's beautiful and it was only $17.00. I need a necklace. I feel so naked without one but the one I usually wear was giving me a rash. I hope this one doesn't. I was also going to buy a jersey print scarf but then I realized I could buy jersey fabric for very cheap cut or buy a stencil I like and spray paint it. Much more cost effective. One of the ladies was selling jersey scarves she had bought from American Apparel and just had decals painted on them. Smart lady.I look pretty rough today. I feel pretty good though. This morning I swore my appendix was going to burst because my side was killing me and I am a total hypochondriac. So far it hasn't.

What is my body worth?

2009-02-23T21:25:00.000-05:00

"Follow, please follow me home. This won't end like last time."

I'm finally feeling creative again. I was definitely in a slump. I used to be very creative but I never seem to have time for tangible art. Photo shop is my creative outlet which is fine for now. I found the quote in the siggy above very interesting. It says...

"For most of us dreams come true only after they do not matter. Only in childhood do we ever
have the chance of making dreams come true when they mean everything."

Seems so true. It's sad because deep down I don't want to admit that our adult dreams are worth nothing. I still have dreams but it's a lot harder for me to see them coming true. Maybe they will. I guess that's up to me.

Do you ever feel like an album can some up your life and how you feel on a daily basis? I think if I had to pick one it would be Saosin's title album. It's so amazing. I think I could listen to it constantly. And yes I still use my Halloween mug all the time. So what if it's February.

"I'm always late with my words. I should have told you but I never really cared." I'm apathetic. I don't have the normal feelings that most people do. If you hate me that's fine. I don't care. If you have good reason to... kudos. I find that now that I am a mother I care more about how I am perceived. It's pretty sad. I should just go about my business and not give a shit what that preppy mom in the next isle over in her polo shirt is thinking of the young kid who holding a baby. She's probably the babysitter, I'm sure that's what they think. Should I care? No but I do. Lame. Before I gave birth to Jordyn I took out all my piercings but my tongue. I felt so stupid for doing it after because I cared so much what all those nurses and doctors were going to think of me. Mothers don't have piercings, mothers don't have tattoos. Mothers wear Polo's and khakis. Puke. Once our tax return comes I'm going to get my sleeve done. I'm not heisting or even thinking about how others will perceive me. They can screw themselves.

What's that? A baby fetus. I got this from my sister a couple months ago. She got it from her mother in law. It was a present for her and her kids, well 5 of them actually. Now it sits above my computer watching me. I bet it scares people who come over. My first thought when I got it was "I could order a bunch of these for a Halloween party and put them in shot glasses as test tube babies." Yes I'm morbid and yes everything revolves around Halloween.

Ahoy me matey

2009-02-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

Haven't update in awhile. I got sick last week with a cold and then Jordyn caught it and we are now just recovering. I wish we could go out and do stuff today but I think it's still too soon. Nothing exciting has happened recently. Just stuck inside. Paul and I got to go out for Valentine's day even though we both think it's crap but we went out because we had a babysitter and we won't turn that down. My apartment is dirty. I need to clean. I'm boring today.

In other news I've lost a total of 10lbs since January 1st and a total of 17lbs since Novish. I'm happy! I'm only 9lbs away from my first goal. After I get to my first goal I have 20lbs more to loose before we try to conceive a 2nd baby! I was thinking we would start in July but I have to loose the weight first or I won't let that happen. I WILL NOT have Pre-eclampsia again. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to have a vbac. I really REALLY want one but it depends on the doctor I get in Texas and whether or not I could be put through hell again. I won't risk that ever again. In my mind I know it would be a lot easier just scheduling a c-section and going in and knowing the outcome will be fine OR planning a vbac and being tortured again. My doctors here said if I wanted to try for a vbac I would have to go into labor on my own and they would never give me pitocin again. I don't know what to think. I guess we'll have to wait and see when the time comes.

Ok cleaning time. Bye.

Evil "Stepmom"

2009-02-06T17:52:00.000-05:00

So a little background on my father. He was never a real father. He was not abusive or anything just never ever there for us. We kindly call him basement dad because he spent all his time after work in the basement even eating all his meals down there while the rest of us ate at the dinner table together and talked about our day. I don't remember being hugged by him unless my mom made him. Majority of the time we hugged him and he stood there motionless with his arms locked to his sides. He provided for our family but so did my mom. He never hit us or yelled at us and yes I could have had it much worse but I never really had a father. We have also kindly regarded to him as our much older brother because that's how he acted throughout our lives. I don't hate him. Not in the least. I hate the things he has done and the choices he has made but him as a person I love. I always will.

When I was 13 my dad was caught cheating on my mom. It had happened before in the past and she had let it slide since if she told him to leave it would have meant my mom and her three very young children would be living with my grandparents. We knew he had been talking to women for a long time but never knew he had a girlfriend on the side. My mom kicked him out which he didn't want and so began the divorce. I was fine with it because like I said before he was never a dad and my mom was really all I ever needed (and my maternal grandparents). My dad married his girlfriend and they have been together ever since. It's very hard to get along with a woman who
A. cheated with your dad on your mom.
B. is about 12 years younger than him.
C. and treats you like the plague.

Anyway we've had our problems from the beginning. I don't like her and I don't have to. My father and I have a very estranged relationship. He has a new family and I'm fine with that but I still like to see him every once in awhile.

Now let's get back to my original point of this whole thing. On Facebook this stupid survey has been going around where you post 25 things about yourself and then tag 25 people. My sister Jen made a post and tagged a bunch of people including my dad & becky. I joked around and left her a comment saying "Oh I guess I'm not as cool as dad" which is a joke and anyone would know that. My "stepmom" made a comment about how rude and immature we are for talking shit about him. OK whatever idiot. And I made a comment back about how it was a joke and to mind her own business. This is the letter I got back.

That's funny....hahahah...wtfe. I didn't know that there was any rules or ages of who could participate on Facebook. If you look....there are many others our age on this site too. You are a selfish person and when you become the perfect parent that never makes any mistakes be sure to let us know. In the meantime....quit posting shit about your Dad that hurts him...he doesn't deserve it. If you feel he shouldn't be reading the stuff that you write....don't have him as a friend/relative on your page and stop typing shit that everyone....including him can see. It's one thing to feel the way that you do...whatever that is and whatever the reasons...but to post this negative stuff is childish and not fair to your dad. He deserves better and doesn't deserve to be humiliated by you.

Are you fucking kidding me? It takes every ounce of energy I have not to go nuts on this bitch. I'm selfish?? Really? I would bend over backwards for my family. Ya know what I call selfish? When your family divorces and your father leaves, rarely calls, only sees you on Christmas and his family never talks to you again or fake small talk. That's fucking selfish.

Rules of Life

2009-02-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

Occasionally I come up with weird rules I will never break for Jordyn or any of my future children. I usually can remember them but I'm gonna write this one down because it's major.

Rule #1
Never.... EVER will I buy or allow my children to listen to Kid's Bop. NEVER!

I'm sorry if you are a mom and you think it's cool for kids to listen to the music we adults listen to but for me Kid's Bop is the most annoying set of music ever. I know they change the lyrics to kid friendly, but it's still annoying. Some things should just not be sung by kids. I'm sorry but every time I see that commercial (which is probably about 10 times a day) I notice the little girls singing "When I grow up" by the Pussycat Dolls and it makes me want to puke. The real lyrics are when I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies. My goal in life is not to teach Jordyn that you should be a slut to get attention and the things you want. Sorry I'm going off on a tangent but it just bugs me. Not just the message but the fact that little kids are singing these songs all happy and excited when they are about sex, drugs, fake tits and being a slut. Anyway that's my first rule. I know it may seem silly but so be it.

Also I should add a side note to this rule.
-Never will I buy or play Christmas music sung by cats and dogs! Hahaha

My best friend in Elementary school's mom bought a Christmas CD once and she was so excited because she got it for like 3 bucks. Well she pops it in and it's traditional Christmas music sung by cats and dogs. Oh we had a good laugh.

Baby Kennedy

2009-02-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

I am in love with the siggy I made for my niece. Sometimes I just pull it up and look at it. She's so darn cute! She's now 1 week and 2 days old!

Teeth are EVIL

2009-01-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

Jordyn is teething so badly. She is getting her 4th molar and I'm guessing her "I" teeth cause they are super swollen. She is miserable which in turn makes me miserable. She keeps waking up super early, not napping at all and whining constantly. If I even utter the word "no" she FLIPS out. And her new way of getting attention and trying to get her way... Screaming at the top of her lungs for about 3 seconds. No tears. No nothing. Just screaming. I also think it's time to try potty training. Every time I change her diaper she cries and screams. She doesn't have a rash. I don't know what her deal is but if she is ready to give it a try I'm ready to teach. I know it may take a long time especially since we are moving soon but I'll keep going till she gets it.

Each time it snows in Michigan I get more excited to move. I'm also excited to find a gym where I live and go after Paul comes home from work. YAY! I'm really getting into working out again but I can't go to a gym here because it's $6 a visit or $200 for a pass for a year but since we are moving in 3 months why would I shell out $200 for that? And I called to see if I could pay per month even if it's a little more expensive but they refuse. Lame.

I've felt like I need some help with medicine recently. I'm not depressed but I have anger/anxiety issues. I feel like I snap quickly and when I do it's like a huge rush of feelings and my heart feels like it's gonna explode. I think if I don't get these problems treated I could just keel over one day from all the anxiety I have all this bottled up anger towards EVERYTHING. I feel bad for snapping at Jordyn for stupid things. Most days I can control it and take a step back but when I keep it in it just eats away at me for a little while. I think it has a lot to do with being stuck here day in and day out. And not having any friends IRL to talk to or visit with. Oh and did I mention Paul's car took a turn for the worst? Yep so now I'm really stranded here all day long. Sigh. Anyway I better go play with my kid before she starts watching the O.C.

She's Here!

2009-01-26T15:12:00.000-05:00

My niece was finally born on Friday January 23rd at 6:18pm. My sister is a champ. She had a textbook pregnancy and delivery. She called me at 2am in the morning on Friday. She had been having contractions every 5 minutes and they were going to the hospital. My mom and I met her there and she was having contractions every 6-7 minutes in triage. Well about an hour later the nurse comes to check her and says she's about 2cm which she was 4cm before she got there. The lady was an idiot. She then gave us this huge speech about how this isn't labor and my sister should be in more pain and she needed to go home. Whatever. She was WRONG, very wrong. So we all went home and slept. She called me around noon saying they were still strong and consistent. She headed up the doctor's office and they checked her and she was 5cm and the doctor said she would break her water and send her into full on labor. We all met at the hospital and they broke her water. She contracted on her own for 3 hours and did an amazing job! They gave her an epidural but she was already 9cm! An hour later she was ready to push. She pushed for 30 minutes and out Kennedy came! She is so cute! She looks just like my BIL it's scary. She's 7lbs 7oz & 20in long. She latched right away and has been awesome at breastfeeding although my sister's milk hasn't come in yet. I can't wait to have another tiny one! So precious and sweet.

Here's a couple pictures of her! Oh and her name is Kennedy Faye!

Happy after getting an epidural!
Tiny button!
Proud Papa!

A little funny for ya!

2009-01-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

Andy (my BIL) took pictures of Jordyn and Lyndsey the other day and Jordyn was touching her belly and kissing it! She's so cute. Well I made a siggy to go with the pictures and it came out really nice. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Yep that's all we do!

I used a kit called Heaty Tarty for this! It's by Kim B. and her blog is kimbsdesigns.blogspot.com and it was 25% off! Alright I'm getting loopy from my sleeping pill so off I go! Peace out friends!

I should be sleeping

2009-01-22T00:16:00.000-05:00

But I am not. Well no baby yet. Gosh how many times have I written that between here, my facebook, my myspace and on Justmommies? No idea but too many! I feel bad for complaining because it's not my baby but I complain for my sister and I complain a little for me so I can feel better about the situation. Her induction is scheduled for Wednesday the 28th if she doesn't have her this week. We've been saying to ourselves it will happen, it will happen. I'm not saying a WORD! Anyway enough talk about that.

I've been making a good amount of siggies this past week. I haven't shown my siggies in so long and that's originally why I started a new blog. I think the one I just finished is in the my top 3 of all time. Liliana is such a little model. Her mom asked if I could do one and posted some pictures... well about 2 hours later she posted a couple new ones that I'm guessing she just took and they were so adorable! She has such a beautiful little face and look. She's so much cuter in person too :)
The kit I used is by Jen Lin Designs and it's on sale for 60% off! Go snag that bad boy at ScrapMatters.com! This was my third siggy made for 3 year old birthdays! Here are the other two of beautiful Briana & Kennedy.
I got the idea for this siggy from Rachel who is an amazing siggy maker at Justmommies. Sometimes I like to do simple. And here is Kennedy.

Three beautiful little girls who are all turning 3!! Happy birthday little ones! I should probably hit the hay now. Maybe I'll go do some cardio before I go to sleep. But if I punch the T.V. because Jillian Michaels is evil I'm gonna be in some pain tomorrow. Goodnighty.

Dilemma

2009-01-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

Ugh moving sucks. I'm excited, scared, annoyed and sad all at the same time. We have to make a decision whether we want to move in May or August. Here are the pros and cons of both.

May Pros:
I don't have insurance right now and Jordyn's is up in the air and we would have insurance as soon as we moved and Paul started work. I wouldn't have to worry about anything happening and paying out of pocket.

We could get settled and start saving for our wedding back in Michigan in the Fall.

We could have a going away party and a graduation party for Paul.

Ummm that's about it but number one is a big one!

May Cons:
I have to spend the entire summer in TEXAS! 70 degrees in Michigan is tank top weather... 100 degrees is.... Naked weather? Holy crap.

I have less time to spend with baby Kennedy and baby Jackson before I leave.

I have to miss my own birthday with my family! Depending on the date.

August pros:
I get a lot of time to spend with my family before we leave.

I don't have to sweat to death in the heat all summer.

I can go visit Emily & Eleanor one more time before I move.

August cons:
I have to wait 7 more months before I get insurance.

I have to get all settled and then fly back for a wedding less than a month later.

August is still hot but not as bad as the rest of the summer.

So help me decide! I know it's not anyone's decision but ours but what would you do?? I'm very torn and it's very upsetting to me to have to leave in May but I'm going to have to leave sooner or later ya know? Right now it's more important to me to have insurance for myself and my daughter but I just wasn't prepared to be leaving in less than 4 months. Ugh...

Waiting Waiting

2009-01-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

Waiting for baby Kennedy! This little one sure is stubborn. My sister is 39 weeks today and is 3cm dialated. We have been walking like crazy. I took her to the mall on Tuesday and we did two full laps including all the wings of the mall. Yesterday we went to Ikea and did the whole store display area and then went down stairs and did all of the Marketplace too. Geesh! I want her to come out oh so badly. Probably not as badly as my sister but come on! This weekend would be a great time for her to come out since I would have Paul to watch Jordyn all weekend. I get to be in the room with her and I am so excited. I've never got to experience labor because I had a c-section and I wasn't able to be in the room for Jen's kids so this is a first for me! My camera is fricken broken and at Geek Squad so I won't have it for the birth. Ugh! Disappointing. If everyone who reads this could give her some quick dialation vibes that would be great! LOL! And here is a recent picture of Jordyn from my sister's camera.

My little sweet. She is getting so big so fast :( I miss her tiny-ness!

Moving News

2009-01-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

So Paul got offered a job today. It's in Houston, TX and we will be moving to at least three different places within the first two years. Yikes! I'm very happy for him and us for being able to find such a high paying job straight out of college and in this economy but being so far from home freaks me out. I've only ever lived in Michigan. I feel bad for Paul's parents too cause Jordyn is their only grandchild and they are gonna be really sad not seeing her as often as they do now. We won't be moving till spring or summer so I have time to visit and love everyone before we go. Yikes again!

My sister Lyndsey is about to pop! I'm waiting and waiting for a phone call. I can't wait to hold a newborn in my arms again. I miss little babies so much. I love how independent and vocal Jordyn is but I want a baby so badly. We were going to start TTC this month but it's on hold cause we are having the formal wedding in Oct or Nov. No one wants to see a whale in a wedding gown.

That's it for now. More to come...

Naughty Little Blogger

2008-12-30T01:07:00.000-05:00

I've been MIA. Sorry to anyone that reads this which is probably only Adrienne haha :) I've been so busy it's hard to even comprehend that 5 days have past me and now it's Monday. Sunday the 21st we got officially married. It was nice and quick. Tuesday I helped my mom make food for Christmas eve. Wednesday was a blur. We went to my mom's for dinner and presents then to Paul's grandma's for more food and presents. Jordyn was so good. Christmas day we got to sleep in and do our family thing. Then we went to Paul's Aunt's house for dinner and presents and Paul's parents for presents. Needless to say we got a crap load of presents. Friday we relaxed a little and Saturday we went to my sister's house on the other side of the state. Sunday I don't even remember. Haha. Too much going on. Christmas was a lot of fun. Jordyn got a lot of very nice toys and clothes and we got a lot of very nice money and giftcards. I got a scrapbooking organizer which is amazing. The only sucky part about Christmas is the fact my camera is broken so no pictures. And now that the holidays are over we all have colds. Wonderful! It doesn't help that Michigan weather goes from 14 inches of snow to 65 degrees and melting/misting snow in two days. Ew. I hate Michigan.

No new news on the job front. Another company offered Paul a job but said the same thing that they are on a hiring freeze. They are located in Chicago so that was our only shot at a Midwest job. The last company is due to contact him after New years. We'll see what they say.

Hopefully I can update a little more this week but with Paul home till next Monday he will probably bug me to get off the computer. Until then have a great New Year's everyone. And Adrienne I hope you get your internet back soon!

Wedding B.S.

2008-12-15T22:45:00.000-05:00

Well we are legally getting married this Sunday. I called like 40 people today looking for someone to perform a quick, non dressy wedding ceremony just for the purpose of their signature. Like I told my mom this isn't a page out of the scrapbook it's a ceremony so we can legally file for taxes this year. That sounds like such a shitty non-lovey dovey reason for getting married but my dad finds an evil way to claim me each year even though it's illegal and I'm sick of not getting the money I am entitled too. Last year we just said whatever and didn't bother but this year no way! Sorry! So yep we are having a tiny little thing this Sunday with my mom and Paul's mom. No pictures allowed. I'm excited about our money situation this coming spring. As of January we get a kickback from school for Paul's LAST semester and then our taxes in April. Woo money finally. Now we can pay off debt, buy me a ring and save for our real wedding in September. I hate money so much but who doesn't. It's sad we have to spend most of our financial kickback on debt but that's how it is when you are broke youngsters living on your own with a baby. And we will know where we will be living in March so that will be nice.

10 days till x-mas! I'm getting excited because it is something to look forward too but after it's over I'm gonna be mighty depressed! No holidays till April, snow till forever, gray/black skies all day and night and to put the black cherry on top... Paul at work for 40 hours a week and school for 14 hours a week! It's gonna be like last year which was a horrible time for me. The only thing I really have to look forward to is my sister's baby coming in January and helping her a lot, probably sleeping there 1-2 nights a week. I really hope we don't have to move before my other sister has my nephew! Thank goodness for scheduled c-sections! She's supposed to have the baby on my BIRTHDAY! YAY!

Ok I'm tired. Need to finish my workout.

Tis the Season

2008-12-09T17:19:00.001-05:00

For crappy weather, stupid shoppers and stress. Well at least in my case. I hate the weather here like whoa. If we end up moving to Texas I will definitely hate the heat but I won't miss days like today. Rain + Snow = Slush. Although the weather sucks I made my way over to Trader Joe's cause I love it and I can get so much stuff for so little. My shopping list wasn't long but I got enough to last us for 1-2 weeks. We are tight on money this paycheck cause it went to rent. So anyway I love Trader Joe's but I hate the people there in the afternoon. Old, stupid people who mosey around glancing at everything and walking incredibly slowly and stopping in the middle of the isle. I think slow walkers/stopping in the isle are two of my biggest pet peeves. Whenever I grocery shop I like to get in and out unless I'm alone. Jordyn's attention span is only so long and if it runs out I'm screwed cause I look like the young teenage mom with a screaming baby that I obviously abuse cause she is screaming for a reason right? She screaming cause you can't pull your old ass away from the hummus so I can grab some and go! Sorry rant over. Stress of course is the biggest factor in the holiday season. So many gifts so little money. We have to go to three different places just like last year but this time Jordyn isn't a 2 month old sleeping beauty, she is a demon one year old who doesn't want everyone to hold her, she wants to slap you in the face then go break things or get into shit just like at home. Then people are offended if she doesn't like you. I'm sorry she's one what the hell am I supposed to do about? Ok I'm ranting again. I sound like a biatch but that's the hard truth of the holidays.

On a happier note I tried on a dress I bought for Jordyn back in June for her birthday that was 18 months from Once Upon A Child that was only $3!!! And it fits and is so cute! I thought she wouldn't get to wear it. It's not even meant to be an x-mas dress but I couldn't see her wearing it any other time. Heres a picture of her in it!

I don't know if I want a black onesie underneath or white. My friend Emily came to visit with her daughter Eleanor. I met them through Justmommies.com and I loves them oh so much! Here are a few pictures from that.

Oh and job news... Paul got a call from the lady in Texas offering him a job. But the only thing is that the company went on a hiring freeze till March so techniquely they can't offer him anything till then but if that is lifted he is their first choice. To me it's sounds like the job is in the bag we just have to wait till March but he thinks otherwise. He only has one more interview left and after that we wait for the last two companies to call us back. We'll see! Ok I'm done now.

Waiting

2008-12-04T11:04:00.000-05:00

I hate not knowing where we will be in the next year. Paul has had 3 interviews and has 2 more to go to in the next couple weeks. Two companies have turned him down and the rest we are waiting on. Two are in Texas and the other is in Chicago. I don't mind moving where ever we need to because the way the economy is right now we have to take what we can get. Michigan is definitely not hiring. Haha! I just wish we knew what was going to happen so I could prepare myself for it both mentally and emotionally. I guess I just have to wait... Tick tock.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving yesterday everyone! I had a lot of fun yesterday even though I was exhausted by the end of the day. Jordyn did well and ate a lot of food. This morning I woke up to a nice loaded diaper of crap with pieces of corn and green beans in it. Yum! So Gross!!!

CRAZY STORY: So last Monday I went to pick Paul up from the airport cause he was flying home from Texas. I get in the airport area and I'm going up a ramp to his terminal. On the left side there is a grassy median and I see something big and white trying to fly across the street. It flies over a car and bounces off the pavement and back up into the air right in front of my car so I slammed on the brakes to let it get across the street. Guess what this mystery animal was??? A WHITE OWL!! No joke! My mouth literally dropped open and it stayed that way till Paul got in the car. It was the coolest thing ever. I just hope it's ok cause it looked like it had a hurt wing. I wanted to go look for it but Paul said no. I think I'm gonna start collecting owls now for luck.

Here is the recipe for meatballs Adrienne! It's really easy and makes a lot of food. I was eating it for three days! haha! There are actually no measurements though we just do everything by eye.

2lbs ground sirloin, mixed with 2 eggs beaten with a fork, salt, pepper, garlic powder, parsley flakes, and Italian seasoned bread crumbs. Roll into small/medium sized balls. The sauce is 2 large cans of tomato sauce and either 2 large cans of tomato paste with Italian seasoning or 4 small ones because I can never find the large cans with the Italian seasoning. I usually mix one large can with two small cans of paste then layer the meatballs and mix the other can of sauce and paste over the top. Set your slow cooker to low and let it cook at least 5 hours! Yummy!!!

Smells

2008-11-24T13:10:00.001-05:00

My apartment smells so good. I'm making my mom's amazing meatballs and sauce recipe today in the slow cooker. Yum! It's so easy and yummy. I can't wait to eat it! It's weird how smells can change your mood, good or bad. Whenever I smell smoke in the hall I always feel sick which is strange being that I am an ex-smoker and occasionally have one if I'm out with friends which is once a year lol.

I got Jordyn's picture galley this morning from her professional shots. They didn't turn out as bad as I thought they would but there is still a good amount that are just a waste. I feel bad for Jean because she is an amazing photographer and is great with kids but my child is just so sassy sometimes and that day she was in the worst mood! I almost cried when she left because I was just embarassed that she was acting that way and nothing seemed to help. I know one year olds are not easy to work with but she was just extra whiney that day. There are still enough good ones that it will be hard to choose.

Here is Jordyn snuggling Paul before he left for Texas yesterday. She loves her daddy!

I'm so lazy today

2008-11-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't done anything I was supposed to do. I spent the majority of the night talking to my sister on the phone. Maybe if I make a list of everything I need to do I can get it done by tomorrow. Here we go.

Finish paperwork for Jordyn's insurance renewal
Drop off paperwork
Look at wedding locations and make appts.
Return something at BRU
Buy a winter coat
Start Christmas shopping
Start diet!!! (it seems silly to start the week of Thanksgiving but no more excuses!)
Get window seals for the windows
Finish cleaning
Stop spending so much time doing nothing on the internet!

Ok off I go! Hahaha

Friday boring Friday

2008-11-21T22:15:00.000-05:00

It's 10:15pm. I'm bored. What's new? Jordyn is bathed and in bed. My apartment is clean, well besides our room which is a disaster. My bills are done and most of my errands. I should be relaxing with a nice glass of wine but NO Paul wants to continue to stay in his boxers and watch the Terminator. Someone shoot me! It's lame when I bust my butt and even go to pick up dinner for us and he can't throw pants on to get me some wine. Bum!

Anyway, my x-mas spirit is slowing starting to come out. I bought some x-mas smelling candles today and Method's winter berry soap! MMMmmm smells SO GOOD! I'm really trying to hold out on taking down my turkey wall hanging and "Happy Fall" sign till after Thanksgiving but I don't know if I can wait. I'm excited to put the tree up too! I pulled out my winter owl which normally sits on the book shelf in the shadows cause Paul hates it and makes fun of me for buying it. Here it is with an apple cinnamon candle.

I finally brought in my outdoor Halloween decorations and my Halloween mat. I felt a little ridiculous looking outside at the pumpkin lanterns and spooky sign covered in snow. I miss Halloween already :(

Here is another x-mas siggy I made tonight. This little girl is so cute! I made her a siggy back in October and it won gold on my mommies siggy board. I used the same freebie kit by Janelle Paige for this one too. It's just so classic! Here it is.I need new pictures of Jordyn so I can update my siggy. Hopefully I get to check out her professional pictures soon. It's been 2 weeks but I know how busy Jean is. She had 3 sessions the day she did Jordyn's. Here is the link to her blog. I check it all the time! She does amazing stuff! Alright this is long. Time for sleep or more cleaning.
www.jeansmithphotography.blogspot.com

Being Sick..

2008-11-19T13:47:00.000-05:00

SUCKS!!! I never thought about how hard it would be to be sick and also have a sick child. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I woke up Monday morning around 4am throwing up and sick from the other end too. It continued this way till around 11am. Jordyn had a fever over the weekend which progressively got worse and was just a tiny walking zombie. Paul was on a business trip which made things even harder. Thank god my mom came out to help me and even took Jordyn to the doctor. She is fine just a little virus that has already worked it's way through! She's a trooper for sure! I'm feeling fine now too! Wooo

It's that time of year

2008-11-15T18:05:00.000-05:00

So it's that time of year already where Christmas is thrust upon us everywhere we look. Does anybody remember Thanksgiving? Come on it's a great holiday!!! I do not have anything Christmas related up yet because I hold on tightly to my pumpkins and leaves and turkeys. For gosh sakes my Happy Halloween mat is still outside my door! Well with Christmas comes Christmas siggies and here is my first one of the year.

I love how it turned out. Cute kids!!The kit I used is a freebie from Jeanelle Paige. I love how classic it is! Beautiful colors!